I write a lot about suicide on this blog. I just received this comment from one of the posts. I replied to the comment below:
Hi Julie,
And, now I’m scared. This down keeps on keeping on and more and more I cannot see the point of my living. Diagnosed 12 years ago and many meds later I’m not confined to my bed but I’m just awake more to alienate myself from everyone and experience longer and more excruciating bouts of pain. I understand that fighting attitude and I keep trying to rise above it and then I get weary and then I can’t fight my way out of a paper bag. I’ve lost all credibility with family, friends and co-workers. I don’t want to be around someone like me. I have not stopped crying for weeks. I cry while I’m walking, I cry at thru water aerobics Now, I’m just holding on until I can experience , at best, a grey day.
Hi Kat,
I went through a month long suicidal episode this summer- it was a reaction to a medication. I remember driving down the street crying and crying- but I KNEW that it was bipolar disorder. I have been suicidal off and on for all of my adult life. It’s the same thing as being manic- it’s part of the illness. If you can remember this- it helps a lot. Here are some tips for dealing with the suicidal thoughts while you get help.
1. Suicidal thoughts follow a pattern- everyone who is suicidal thinks in the same way. The topic changes depending on your personal experiences- but the nature of the thoughts never changes. Everything is awful- everything is dark – there is no hope and nothing will ever get better. Notice that this is black and white thinking- it’s literally impossible that nothing will ever get better. As you say- even a gray day is better than the suicidal days.
2. Say this to yourself- this is an illness- this is not the real me- this is not my life. I am not my thoughts. Things can and will get better.
3.Check your meds- many medications can cause suicidal thoughts- check to see if your meds are too low- people with bipolar disorder have to be very careful if they take antidepressants as they can cause mania and or suicidal thoughts. My suicidal episode this summer was from Zoloft. I knew I shouldn’t try it! I know you have tried medications for years- but there is always hope.
4. I know this is a scary topic- but talk with your doctor about ECT. It can be a miraculous treatment for serious depression. I have friends who say it changed their lives. There is a lot of information on the web that is anti ECT- but it’s important to remember that the web often has more negative information than positive stories. All of the doctors I talk to and work closely with approve of ECT. I almost had it myself, but the Lamictal got me out of the severe depression.
5. It’s easy for others to say not to give up- but you’re hearing this from me- suicidal since 19- constant depression until I created my treatment plan and then almost constant depression. Like you said- why would anyone want to be around us when we are so sick and crying all of the time! Don’t give up- this literally has nothing to do with you- if you’re crying all of the time- that’s a huge sign that it’s bipolar.
If you do all of the above- I promise you that a gray day will happen and then you can find the energy to take new steps to end this suicidal episode.
Julie
