Here is a story from Sandra that is so amazing- you will read it like a novel! Sandra writes so eloquently about the challenges of having bipolar and how much you can and can’t say at work. I tell everyone about my bipolar. Everyone- but I do know it can be hard for some to understand! Here is the story and my response after. Sandra send her comment in response to another reader Jenn who has offered some great advice on the blog as well.
Hi Jenn,
Thank you so much for your very kind and helpful reply. I find myself unable to concentrate or “move” productively, so I will follow my own advice and write a list of what I’d like to do – in small chunks. As I’m writing this, I’m actually shaking; I’m so worried about Monday. Let me explain.
One of my colleagues saw me upset at lunchtime as I was returning to my room and came over to see what was wrong. I felt comfortable telling her about the supervisors getting rather personal, etc. (I’ve helped her through some difficult times) and I also told her how hard this illness can be, and that I was thinking “bad thoughts”. (That’s not what I said, but I’m not going to share it exactly – no one with BP reading this truly needs to know. Just realize it was what Julie calls the bipolar speaking to me.) I also went on and told my colleague that there is no way I’d follow through – I love my children too much for that. I also said it was just good to let that whole idea “out” and that just sharing with her made me feel a bit better.
I stayed through to the end of the day and felt better, which always happens to me just being around the kids. That same colleague came in to see how I was doing and I told her I was feeling so much better and thanked her for listening and being there for me.
On the way home, I reached for my cell phone to call my housemate and let him know I was just leaving school. But I couldn’t find it – I must have left it at home. Little did I know how overlooking that one small daily ritual would result in panic among the supervisors at school.
My colleague who I’d told how much better I felt at the end of the day, etc. looked in my room and noticed that my desk looked rather empty. It did – I’d taken home some small piles of paper that seemed to have grown roots in order to sort them and figure out what to do with each one. And the tissue box that is always there wasn’t. I think I’d used them all that day. Well, she panicked and, thinking the worst, evidently told our program supervisor, who in turn tried calling me – a LOT! When he coldn’t reach me, he called my housemate, who tried calling my cell phone a lot, too. Then my supervisor called my old psychiatrist (I hadn’t yet updated the file in the office) and she told him the only thing he could do was to call the police so they could be on the lookout for me! He called the state police, who in turn notified local police in the three counties that I travel through to reach home. Even our school director phoned me, which is pretty unusual.
And I, oblivious to all of this, actually enjoyed the heavy traffic for once because I was listening to a really interesting story on NPR (National Public Radio).
I learned all about the activity back at school when I arrived home. Fortunately, my housemate is incredibly calm and soft-spoken, sort of like a rock in swirling white rapids. He notified the school immediately and then we went to a quiet room with comfortable chairs and I just talked. I told him everything, including my conversation with my colleague at lunchtime. I told him how much better I’d felt at the end of the day and that I’d had such a good time playing math games with the kids that afternoon. At that, he sort of bolted upright and asked, “You mean, you weren’t crying when you left school?” and I said no, really surprised at his reaction. He told me that, according to my program director, someone had seen me leaving school crying and must have told him about my “bipolar thinking”.
Reminds me of that saying, “For want of a nail, the shoe came off; for want of a shoe, the horse went lame..for want of a captain, the battle was lost.”
I’ve got a new one. “For want of a cellphone, a cry was raised; for unanswered calls, a search was enacted; for want of miscommunication, a teacher was fired.” That’s what worries me now – it is a constant concern gnawing away at me every day. Anyone reading this who’s familiar with bipolar knows exactly why. But I’m not going to get into that now – just writing that phrase got me back to shaking.
So that’s why I’m so worried about returning to school on Monday.
Jenn, you wrote, “I remind myself that I can’t control the actions or thoughts of others. However, I can see how others are reacting and engaging with me and modify that.” I totally understand the first line, but would you help clarify the second one for me – especially the “modify” part? You have a very clear way of expressing your thoughts.
You also wrote quite insightfully, “When others know that you have bipolar I wonder if they can’t help but be extra sensitive or skeptical about our actions.” I am convinced that’s what brings on the “smothering-mothering”. I realize they mean well, but it’s too much.
Okay, now that I’ve written the equivalent of one of Tolstoy’s short stories, I shall send this off and write that list. Little chunks. Baby steps. But a move in the right direction.
Thanks, again, Jenn,
Sandra
Hi Sandra- this is Julie …
Holy moly- what a crappy day! First of all, look how far you have come to even be able to deal with this as well as you have. I can tell you I would be crying all day! But as you know, I can’t work at a traditional job and I learned that a long time ago. You CAN work in a traditional job and you have proven it. No one can fire you for fear that you hurt yourself- it in no way affects your teaching ability and it would be quite illegal for them to do something that was all overreaction on their part- but.. on the other hand= look how much they care about you. They care and they did what anyone would do if they thought someone was suicidal.
The fact is that you somehow gave them the idea that you were- this means people are concerned about you because of what you say- people are like that for sure. I am very careful about who I talk about- and sometimes my family and friends tell me that I don’t say enough about my suicidal thoughts! But oh well.
Let me know how I can help. You’ve gotten through much more than this- you got your degreee! You have reached so many goals.
I suggest you be ‘proactive’ and immediately talk to the person in charge and say something like this:
Thank you so much for your concern on Friday. I can imagine how stressful it was for you. I think that I said something to … that came across as more serious than I intended. One beautiful think about being open about my bipolar is that I can talk to people. But I see that it may be difficult for people to understand about how my bipolar affects my life. Maybe I can give a short talk on this. Bipolar is tough, but it never gets in the way of how I interact with the kids. In fact, talking with my friend helped very much and I simply got on with my day. Maybe it was too much for her as I didn’t explain that I just wanted to talk.
This is a complicated illness- and yes, people do committ suicide- but I want you to know I am not in that place and am not worried about myself in that way. If you have concerns let’s talk about it.
Your support has been amazing. As you know, millions of people have bipolar disorder and our goal is to work. I believe my bipolar helps me be much, much more self aware and that it definitely makes me a better teacher. I really do understand disability and how we can still leave productive lives.
Please let me know how I can best handle this and lessen the fears some people may be feeling. As you can tell, I’m fine. It’s an illness and I definitely need extra support, but I believe my love of teaching and all of you shows how strong I am!
Julie
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