A note to my brain: Please leave me alone!
I recently found myself in a fun and interesting situation with a guy that was simply a mild flirtation. As you may know, I gave up dating almost exactly a year ago and I have not regretted it once. I have definitely felt a bit lonely, but it calmed my brain down so that I could work. My brain doesn’t handle flirting at all. Not even 1%. It starts to do strange things. It talks and talks and won’t stop. What it says is not real. It’s a lot of conjecture and fantasy. It’s chattering away every minute and it affects my ability to concentrate.
Sure, other people go through this. I’ve asked them what it’s like in their brains when it’s happening. They explain that they find themselves thinking about the person when they hardly know them and that sometimes they feel silly- and then I say, “Yes, that’s what I feel too- now multiply what you feel by 100% and you will know the hell my brain puts me through.”
I definitely want a relationship in the future, so I know that one day I will have to get through this. In the past, I always met people and went into relationships super fast. I will never do that again, so it means my brain is going to be a rollercoaster. I am preparing myself!
I’ve actually had experiences where my brain goes so much into overload that I feel like I’m living in a white haze. Whether it’s euphoric or dsyphoric, it’s awful.
It’s human to want companionship- but it’s also human to want fulfilling work. Right now I have to choose work. I’m able to do more these days than in my entire life. It’s because I follow my Health Cards program rigidly, especially my relationship card. I’m willing to give up the things that make me ill, no matter how wonderful they can be.
For today, I just want my brain to leave me alone so I can work.
Julie
I am very married, but I read all the blog posts, anyway. I am perplexed by the statement, ” I am willing to give up the things that make me ill” Do you literally believe that the problem lies with other people/situations? I believe that the problem is in our brains and that other people,places or situations have nothing to do with it. It is how we perceive ourselves way before we ever get into the ‘other’ situation or environment. I’m not trying to be argumentative or critical. I just think WE are responsible for we have been genetically ‘given’. I say all this because as I look over my life ) and I’m over 50 ), there has been (and will always be) some person, place or situation that WILL trigger SOMETHING in all of us. I truly believe that whatever problem/illness we have, it is up to us to deal with it and not stop living life. I have stopped living life more times than I can count and it has solved nothing for me. I still have the same stressors and triggers that I had 50 years ago. The only thing that has changed is that I am 50 years older. As long as I have a brain that functions on any cognitive level, I will have these issues. So, do I become ill when I’m around certain people and places, situations or do I say, ” I have a medical brain illness/disorder that I will have to deal with the rest of my life”. I need to do what I can do for myself BEFORE I meet X person that irritates the life out of me and BEFORE I go to X place that makes me feel like jumping out of my skin. LIFE is filled with challenges. BPD is only one of them. Now, having said all this, I just want to say that this sounds all great and wonderful and makes a lot of sense to me. But, can I actually do this?! Not without the support from my husband, the friends who pray for me regularly and the superb BP COACH I am soon to have! I’ve tried everything on my own and just can’t get a handle on the ‘dailyness’ of this BPD thing. If I can admit that I NEED HELP, anyone can! For all of you out there who think they can deal with this on their own, think again! There is no shame in saying, ” Will you please help me?”