I’m so needy today! I feel like crying and I’m lonely. These are the very typical systems of depression, but they sure are hard to fight aren’t they!
I get so tired of having bipolar disorder
Here is a long post on the difference between feeling sad and having a bipolar disorder downswing……
This can be an awful illness- I go into a downswing when something bad and stressful happens such as a work issue or a troubled relationship, but I also go down when I have a good experience such as seeing an old friend who has to leave the next day. Most people in this situation would feel sad, I get depressed. It’s odd and it’s not fair, but it’s reality. There is a big difference between a depression downswing and feeling sad.
One of my closest friends came to visit yesterday. He lives in Seattle which is about three hours from Portland. We used to date so building a friendship has taken a lot of time. But we have done it! He really makes me happy when I see him. He’s from Africa and is always smiling. When he went back home yesterday, I was in a fine mood and really thought of how lucky I am to have such a good friend. I then started to feel sad that he had to leave. I’m sure other people without bipolar disorder would feel the same- it’s normal to be melancholy that he doesn’t live close by and that things didn’t work out relationship wise.
It’s at this point that I go in a different path from people without bipolar disorder- I call the bipolar reaction. When I woke up this morning I started crying because my brain said that I never have good times and that I will always be single. Then I noticed that the weather was dark and gloomy just like my own life. I worried that my work was pointless and that I have money problems and health problems that are ruining my life. My house seems too small and I’m sure that the people around me have boyfriends and a much better lifestyle than I do. He was supposed to stay a day longer but had work commitments, so I started to get worried I didn’t have plans tonight. I felt that I have no friends and everyone is busy and doesn’t care about me. I cried some more. I wonder is my life is even worth living when I’m so unhappy.
Bla, bla, bla, bla. It’s a broken record isn’t it! I have years of entries in my journal that sounds just like this. It’s mostly rubbish and if I want to get well, I have to fight it. Depression is an insidious monster in my life. No matter how much I know about it or how many ways I have to treat it- I can still get caught in it’s unreasonable thinking.
I will write what I do to fight it in the blog below.
julie
How I feel what you are feeling today…we have had two dark dreary days and I caregive for my son and father, but that is only part of the problem….it is this black cloud of depression that just falls expecially now during the winter months. The days seem long as if they will never end. I got busy cleaning today, which I do or either just go to bed. I have done both…but getting something accomplished during depression makes one feel better seeing the final product of the effort put into whatever you do. I just wanted to let you know that I have talked to several today, who are not bipolar and have this sense of darkness today. I don’t like this “black dog” anymore than you do….maybe just knowing that others feel this way today will help some. We are not alone in this battle against depression…many, many are out there feeling the same today.
I found a card in a card shop one day that is perfect to keep out as a reminder….it was a Peanut card…showing a series of pictures…cloudy day…sunny day…etc. I just put that card out for me as a reminder that today is bad, but tomorrow will be okey again…that is just the way bipolar works.
Hang in there…you are doing a good work!!!! Don’t put yourself down during these down times.
An admirer of yours
I get so much of this, and I totally get where you’re coming from. I have similar situations so often, and my ex had so many similar problems — every event was life shattering. I talked to him whenever he had a problem, and it helped me to make myself better too. I think you’re doing great. The biggest challenge is in facing it so we can deal with it. I think. But what do I know? I’m not an expert. Not EXACTLY an expert!