Guest Blogger Andrew Turman: How I manage my rapid cycling bipolar disorder

by Andrew Turman
I have a form of bipolar disorder that is rapid cycling. I can go from being depressed to being manic in a matter of hours. Early on in the onset of my illness, I was depressed more than I was manic. That is not to say that I did not become manic; rather, it was not as intense and did not last as long. However, these days, since I turned 35 or so, mania has become the predominant problem. Again, I do get depressed, but it is not as crippling as I have previously experienced. At its peak, my illness caused me to cycle every other week. One week up, then one down, then back up for a week, then back down, for periods of months at a time. This type of cycling can be exhausting, not only for me but for the people around me.
Up until a few years ago, I was not taking my mental health seriously. I would actually fuel the manias, and try to maintain an emotional temperature of 7-7.5 as much as I could. The problem was, at that level, I was often unable to remain there, and I cycled up to 8, 9, and 10. That is when it became necessary to go to the hospital to treat the ultra-manic and psychotic symptoms. I was a danger to myself and others, including my family, my ex-wife and son.
Now, I work hard to counter the effects of my brain chemical imbalance. I no longer drink a lot of alcohol or smoke that much pot. I have tried to limit my caffeine intake, and cut back on how much I smoke cigarettes. I am trying to keep a sleep schedule. This has proven to be the most difficult of all. When I start to cycle up, I have a decreased need and want of sleep. My mind is buzzing, and I have so much to do, the drive to create is overwhelming. When hypomanic, I am a prolific writer and artist, although I rarely finish any of the numerous projects I start.
My current wife is the best barometer of my emotional temperature. She recognizes the behavioral symptoms and can identify the trigger events which are the antecedents to my becoming ill. When she points them out, I often discount what she is saying to me, label her as “pissing on my parade,” and often act out even more. I am trying to get better about trusting her judgment, as mine is skewed most of the time.
A discussion we had recently is actually quite telling. We were talking about perceptions of reality, and I stated that I seemed to experience three separate realities—one manic, one depressed, and one thin sliver of “true reality.” She countered that the three are actually one. Instead of three separate realities, distinct from one another, they are all entangled with one another. She stated that it would be possible to be creative while in the normal and depressive mood states. It would take work, she assured, but it was possible.
Together, we came up with the following strategy: When I am manic, I come up with a lot of painting titles (which would also make great names for a punk rock band!). Instead of the numerous lists I had, I now write them in a blank journal, two to a page, leaving space to take down any ideas, in written notes or quick sketches. This also gives me space to document who I have given the painting to, or who commissioned me to do it. Now, I am organized and I can remember my manic visions of what my art should be. When less manic, I am more able to concentrate my artistic skills on a better product, instead of the visual vomit that is often the result of my manic episodes. Brilliant! A little bit of organization and work, with long-lasting benefits.
Together, my wife and I can brainstorm for other creative solutions. The real point here, is that I must listen to my wife when calls me on my manic symptoms, and try to de-escalate my mood as I know I can, before it gets out of control. I will always experience the highs and lows, but how far they go, up or down, is basically my decision. I have taken responsibility of my moods. It doesn’t always mean that I make the right choices, but at least I am confident in the fact that my illness is not in control of me, I am in control of it.
Wm. Andrew Turman

Zen Daddy T

Writer, Artist, Mental Health Advocate
W.A. Turman was an “Army Brat,” and that explains a lot. Man of no accent, but also of every accident. Life has not always been easy for the artist and writer we affectionally call “Zen Daddy T.” A gonzo journalist along the lines of Hunter S. Thompson, an artist well-versed in the school of Ralph Steadman, including favoring beers from the Flying Dog Brewery, Andrew is an acquired taste. His abstract expressionist works bleed protest and contentment. His recent series, “Art for Airports” has drawn critical acclaim.

10 comments to Guest Blogger Andrew Turman: How I manage my rapid cycling bipolar disorder

  • Gloria G

    This is a great article. Thank you for your insight. It is very helpful to me as I am a partner of a rapid cycler. I am still trying to find the best way to call him on his manic symptoms where he will be open to listen. Thank you for sharing.

    • Hi Gloria,

      I think it’s great that you are on here trying to find ways to help your partner. I’m sure your efforts to be there as a support system are definitely appreciated. It’s tough to be on the other side of this mental illness. Even when you can’t find the words to say to help your partner in the way you’d like to, I’m sure your efforts have not gone unnoticed. I pray you find the answers you’re seeking. I posted a poem I wrote in response to Andrew below. I don’t know if it will help you understand what it’s like to be bipolar, but it might. God bless you, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

      • Gloria G

        Hi Mandy,
        Thank you for your kind words.I read everything I can as well as get therapy for myself to take care of my own mental health. It helps me stay grounded and also keeps me in check if I internalize something from him that is bipolar behavior. My partner tells me all the time he is grateful for me. I have learned so much from him and I never forget to tell him that. To love someone is accepting them as they are. While I have many days I wish that the bipolar was not a part of our life, it is part of why we are together. I then have a different perspective. I love all of him, even the madness of bipolar that exists. He tells me that nobody has ever understood him this way. It truly wasn’t until I went for therapy for myself that I could use those words and feelings to sustain our relationship. If I could change that fact that he has bipolar disorder, for him I would. Depression visits many times and stays way to long. I keep praying that some day someone will find a simple cure for it. Until then I feel it is a responsibility to educate myself and to keep my own mental health in check if I am going to be in this relationship. I do it for me and him. Thanks for reaching out.

  • Hello Andrew,

    It’s almost crazy how much I can relate to what you wrote. It’s like you are inside my head feeling what I feel. I feel so alone sometimes because I have basically gotten rid of the friends I used to have in my life since it’d be exhausting trying to pretend everything is okay all the time when it isn’t. The only person I have is my husband. He’s been here for me in ways that only someone who truly loves me could. While I adore him and appreciate all he does (and has done) for me, I wish I could find people to be in my life who actually understand my view without me having to explain what I’m going through. I’ve actually prayed to God to help me with this, which makes me feel kind of lame. I used to be so good at making friends with anyone, but now it’s such a struggle.

    I’m planning to start a blog of my own soon (if I can focus long enough) to be able to encourage people with not only bipolar disorder but other mental illnesse too. I love to write, so I thought I’d share my own experiences with others so it might help them know they aren’t alone; there are people who get it. I wrote this poem a few months ago, and for some reason I thought I should share it here (I was planning on putting it on my blog). It’s titled “Bipolar Mind.” I wanted to share it because I can especially relate to the feeling of having three different realities. Thanks for reading. I pray you continue to have all the support you need to stay on track too. God bless your wife for being there for you through it all.

    How can I describe the workings of a scattered mind?
    Loaded with potatoes, each of a different kind
    Ah, sweet potato so buttery, orange and sublime!
    You plain ones need to be doctored up, or my interest you will not find
    Speaking of which, did you know

    • Gloria G

      Wow Mandy,
      This is a wonderful depiction of what I have been told by my partner. I pray that you continue to grow through writing. I think a blog is a wonderful thing for you to do for you and others that need to hear your words. God bless you and your husband. I am sure he loves you very much. Peace and Blessings to you!

      • Gloria,

        Thank you for your kind words. I will keep on writing. I figure if I can help even one person, it’s worth it. God bless you and yours, and peace and blessings to you as well. 🙂 Hope you have a wonderful day!

  • Sharon, Bobby, Lindsay and I are so proud of Abby! She is 16, surviving with bipolar and wants to help others. So we are launching Healing With ART officially at the Dr. Michael I. Schafer Theater at the MVCC campus on February 20th, 2017 at 6pm! Please join us! Media is very welcome! More: https://www.facebook.com/events/723530597826026/

  • What a awesome blog. I rapid cycle every 12 hours. I am depressed within a half hour after I wake up. I proceed to feel better as the day goes by. I feel great at bedtime. I started my trip through bipolar when I wa s 14. Went through a post partum depression . It took forever to get a diagnosis at age 50. I am75 now. I have a question Do any of you deal with no motovation? My house has always looked like a diaster and I could care less. Anyone else deal with this?

    • Hi Anne,

      I can totally relate to the no motivation thing, been going through it off and on for around 2 years or more now. Not kidding. It’s horrible when I can’t focus enough or find the motivation to do simple things like the dishes, exercising (really hard to do right now) and at times I’ve had to literally force myself to get out of bed to bathe. I have been on what I call the yoyo trip for a while too (rapid cycling). Also been going through off and on dysphoric episodes for a month now. Not fun.

      I know this is partly from depression and from not caring if I even leave the house let alone socialize with others. I have to force myself to check my e-mail sometimes. It’s hard. Believe me, I know. I am curious; do you have a doctor to help you with your symptoms/depression? I know from experience that having a good mental health doc. does help. Also, getting on the right medication was a life saver for me! Hobbies help me too. I know it can be difficult to find stuff you want to do when you feel unmotivated, but it does make a difference to do something, no matter how small it seems at first, that makes you smile.

      I don’t know if you are in the same boat as me, but I ended up pushing most of my frinds away because of not being able to explain how I feel to them. I don’t want to be judged or pitied after all. But, we do need people, especially when we are struggling the most. Having even one close friend or family member to confide in is definitely important. Joining a support group when you feel up to it could also help. I’m sure you’ve probably tried different things out to suite your needs or interests though. Being around people is good.

      God bless you! Hang in there okay. I know you’ve dealt with this illness a long time, so getting something to help stabilize the mood swings means the world to someone who needs help with it. I know from experiencing it like you have been. It’s rough. It took time for me, but with the right doctor/treatment (Lamictal-mood stabilizer) things can start to come around. Blessings for you, and I do truly hope you have a better day today and on into the future. I will keep you in my prayers.