This is my blog from 2007. Isn’t it amazing how this illness just keeps chugging along even when we do our best to stay stable! My depression is so much better, but I still have the tough days – the stunned days. I have to get out my drill sergeant pretty often!
From 2007: I woke up depressed. I was up a few nights ago so I’m obviously rapid cycling. I called a friend to tell her I was manic- this is part of my treatment plan- and she said, “Ok. What happens next?” I said, “Well, I feel so good right now, but I will probably go down. It always happens even though I never believe it will. I just have to look at the way it has been in the past.” Two days later I am down.
When I was sitting in my bed with what I call stunned depression- this is where I just sit and worry and can’t seem to move- I used my drill sergeant voice I talk about in Get it Done When You’re Depressed and I said, “Get up Julie. Get up and get on with your day. Get out of this bed!” And I did.
I feel better.
I don’t like bipolar disorder, but I’m glad I have a plan to keep me going. I may cry today and get upset at my life today- but it’s an illness and I have to remember that.
Julie
PS: Depression is an illness that can be managed. I never thought I would get so much better, but I have. If you are depressed right now, keep going! Find your inner drill sergeant and use it to get yourself out of the house so that you can feel better!
I used to have a lot of drama in my life. Much of it was due to my own choices, some of it was due to bipolar disorder causing me to make stupid choices, such as when I get manic.
I have changed completely in the past few years. I’m no longer willing to make decisions and then just hope they turn out ok.
I get too sick when I do this. I have goals in life that I want to reach- speaking to large groups on mental health, reducing the suicide rate in this country, financial stability, physical health- big stuff for sure!
The only way I can accomplish my goals is to examine every potential decision for disaster (drama!) from sending an email telling someone they are ignoring me to saying yes to a request. I’ve learned to ask myself the following questions before I do ANYTHING:
Will it make me sick? Has it made me sick in the past? Am I manic? How will my decision make me feel tomorrow, next week and into the future?
(Of course, I don’t always remember to do this. I still make mistakes and take on projects that aren’t right for me and I still make poor decisions regarding my physical health, but it’s always a learning curve. )
I also have a lot of people in my life who will ask the questions for me and really make me mad! But I need their judgment in case I’m making a decision when I’m sick.
This is a constant exercise- I’ve learned to slow down a bit. I’m at over 75% success right now in my decision making. Considering that I used to do everything blindly, this is pretty good! (I made a guess on the 75%. HEHE)
I’m reading over my older posts- so much of what I’ve written can still be used today- medications don’t change and our needs don’t change. I was on Lamictal for many years and it helped me get through a serious four year depression. My depression is better now and I am off the drug. Medications can help us through tough depression times- and when we are better, we can lower doses or go off the medications. Unfortunately, it’s not the same with mania. For many people, staying on mania drugs as a prevention tool is essential, but even then, doses can change and different medications can be found that have less side effects. No one and I mean no one really wants to take medications for bipolar disorder, but if you’re like me, medications are sometimes the only option. Keep an open mind- keep using the management plan I write about in my books and always keep looking for new and better ways to manage this illness. If medications are needed, I highly recommend Lamictal. It save my life and helped me move into a depression free world. You can get better! Here is the question!
Hi Julie,
I was taking generic Lamictal for 4 weeks during December, but around Christmas the side effects-headache, anxiety-became too much on 50mg. I know you’re not a doctor, but in your experience do these subside over time. I’m a street musician in Portland and just getting turned on to your bi-polar crusade. Your work looks pretty amazing.
Regards,
Ted
Hi Ted,
Well, side effects are so tricky as they depend on the person. For example, I take 500mg of generic Lamictal (also called generic Lamotrigine) and have more side effects when my dose gets too low!
The normal Lamictal dose is 250mg- but that is just an average. What matters is that it works- the dose depends on the person taking the meds.
My first question would be just that- did it work? If it did, you may want to wait out the side effects if you can- if they are even moderately tolerable. It’s such a great drug when it works, but the side effects can be tough. I had them for three months until they got better. Mine were severe neck stiffness and breathing problems. Now I get the restless legs and twitching! It is an anti epileptic drug, so it makes sense it would really affect our nervous systems. If the side effects really are impossible to live with, you have some options.
If you are well enough to function in terms of bipolar- then you can talk to your doctor about going onto a lower dose until you can tolerate the side effects and then very slowing going up in dose. You have to be really careful about going down in dose though as withdrawal can be tough and painful!
This is definitely something to talk about with your doctor. I would have a list of questions to ask so that you can get the most out of an office visit. I don’t suggest doing this on your own as you need to be closely monitored for mood swings. I went down too quickly once and got super depressed.
It can take many months for a medication to work and many months for the side effects to lessen. Sometimes, they don’t go away and you have to switch meds. I hope your side effects can get better as Lamictal is such an amazing drug.
Good luck, maybe I will see you when I walk around in Portland!
Here’s an article where I, along with some very interesting people am interviewed by Madeline R. Vann, MPH from EverydayHealth.com on the topic of bipolar disorder and spirituality. I share the story of how I lost all of my spiritual feelings when my depression got so serious in my 40s.
I remember being so depressed I could only see myself as a speck of dirt on this revolving chuck of rock and water. I felt forever alone and hopeless. I was so sick.
If you have bipolar disorder and you’re depressed, please let my story and the other stories in this article be a candle that provides a little bit of light when the depression is raging. I didn’t think I would be alive at 51. I was so sick for so long. I am alive and I’m a happy person who has her chronic depression under control. I still have episodes, like the one after my recent surgery, but I’m no longer scared I’m going to die and I no longer feel that someone or something is trying to kill me.
It’s never too late to get better. If you have lost your spirituality due to depression, this is normal. It can come back. Keep going to events and keep seeing people who are where you want to be. I love Meetup.com for this reason. You can find people who are doing well and act like them until it becomes a reality for you.
Articles like this one help us see we are not alone. People get sick, but they also get better. There is hope for you. There is hope for someone you love.
My bipolar disorder diagnosis liberated me from the jail of wondering why I was such a mess!
From age 19 to 31 years old, I constantly wondered what was wrong with me.
Why was I so depressed and then completely wild?
Why did it take me eight years to finish college?
Why did I lose friends and then make them easily?
Why did I get on planes to other countries without a plan in place?
Why couldn’t I hold a job for more than a year?
Why did I leave all of my boyfriends?
Why was I so certain about my life in one moment and would then suddenly decide that everything was wrong and I needed a change?
It was exhausting. Then I heard the words that changed my life, “Julie, you have ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder two with psychotic features.”
There’s nothing good about having bipolar disorder, but wow, it was so good to finally have answers to my questions. It has been difficult to manage and life is a challenge, but at least I know the truth!
What about you? Do you feel better now that you have a diagnosis? Is your loved one diagnosed? People tell me they don’t like labels. I don’t a bipolar disorder diagnosis as a label. I see it as an explanation that helps me go easy on myself when my behavior makes no sense.
Does bipolar disorder depression keep you from getting things done? It’s a life long struggle for me and I will get through it and you can too!
Here I am sitting in my car with my typical bipolar disorder dilemma. What to do next? I’m amazed at how my brain works just fine one morning and then without any changes in my life, I’m sitting in my car and it’s absolutely painful to make a simple decision.
This is bipolar disorder in a nut shell! Having trouble getting things done is a bipolar disorder symptom. Most of us have it. It’s not personal. We are not lazy. It’s even worse when you’re depressed. If you love someone with this illness, you might wonder why the person you care about simply can’t work they way they want to. This is why. It’s insidious and has to be managed or work becomes impossible. The good news is that we CAN manage it!
This is why I wrote Get it Done When You’re Depressed. This inability to make a decision is about the illness. I have learned to override my brain- it takes time and effort and I lose work hours that I really need, but at least I do get started.
Once the engine is fired up, I can work! That’s me in my office. I lost a few hours, but I’m working now! I always tell people to measure themselves off of other people with the illness. I know that if I compare my work rate with people who don’t have bipolar disorder, I will be miserable. Considering how many symptoms I deal with daily, I guess I do ok. We have to take bipolar disorder into account. If getting out of bed and making breakfast is all you can do right now, that is a huge accomplishment. That is getting things done. They start to add up and then we are back in the real world. I can do it. You can do it. We can get things done when we have bipolar disorder!
PS: Get it Done When You’re Depressed is my favorite book. I use the strategies constantly. If there were a thought bubble on the picture of me in the car, you could see me going through the strategies in order to get myself out of the car. Put yourself in a place you can work is one of my favorites and that’s what I did on this day!
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