If you are new to my work- here is my official diagnosis. I find it helpful to have a diagnosis and know for sure that hearing the words, “You have bipolar disorder,” saved my life.
1. Diagnosed with depression in my 20s. First major depressive episode was at 19. No one ever talked to me about mania, so it was completely missed. My mania started at 17.
2. Officially diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar two with psychotic features in 1995. This was one year after my then partner was diagnosed with bipolar disorder one. We were together for ten years as a couple. I wrote Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder about being a parter of this wonderful man for ten years.
3. I started to chart my moods as soon as I was officially diagnosed. I realized that I didn’t have rapid cycling. I had ultradian rapid cycling -a term that wasn’t used back then. I cycle every day sometimes all day and it has been this way for all of my adult life with only a few breaks.
4. I then got clear about psychosis and through charting and writing down my symptoms realized that I had WAY, WAY more psychosis that the average person and in fact, started my mental health symptoms with psychosis at age 16. I figured out that I have a separate psychotic disorder as well as bipolar. My office diagnosis is schizoaffective. In my opinion, there is no such thing as bipolar with psychotic features. What we actually have is schizo affective. I am NOT scared of the words schizo or schizophrenia. I am definitely on the schizophrenia spectrum which is why using THC from cannabis was extremely dangerous for my brain.
5. I had a biking accident in 2012 that resulted in a serious right brain injury that led to vicious panic attacks and an increase in my anxiety. I now deal with a separate set of anxiety symptoms.
My books teach us to chart our mood swings and to write down our symptoms. No one can really do this for us. We need to do it for ourselves. Otherwise, we can’t get better.
Julie
This is me at 16. The year my psychosis began. Unless we are really sick, there is no indication of what is going on in our minds. We MUST chart our experiences and share them with people who can help.
A blast from the past. I wrote this blog many years ago and just found it in my draft section. I wonder what I will learn about myself by reading something from so long ago! I will report back at the end of this post what has changed for the better!
****
There are always good things that happen over the weekend- seeing friends, some sun- reading books with my nephew. I try to focus on the good things first.
But man oh man, the depression was terrible. This word comes to mind: relentless!
It was relentless. But here I am on a Monday ready to face the world again. I made sure I had a lot of plans this week. The publishing world- which is a large part of my business these days is changing and not in a good way. I have to rethink my goals for this year. This is definitely possible, but it puts added pressure on my health. So, the only way to deal with this is to work- plan and remain positive. Change is an opportunity for a new and better direction. I truly believe that getting things done is the answer.
If you have lost a job- are worried about money or feel that things will not get better, I suggest the book Think and Go Rich. It was written right after the Great Depression- and it’s truly fascinating to read. I feel so much better when I read it! We can all make it through tough times. How are you doing? Do you have fun and productive activities scheduled for this week? Is there something you have been meaning to do such as joining Toastmasters or taking a dance class? Now is the time to do what we have always wanted to do.
We can march onward- even when we are depressed!
Julie
PS: Watch out for mania! That is my motto.
A note from Julie, present day: It is so wonderful to tell you the news that I no longer have chronic depression. I was ill with bipolar depression for over 30 years off and on. In 2012, I found a medication combination that worked. It has not been easy and I still have a lot of mood swings, but the relentless depression is gone. Never give up. If I can get better, you can get better. I also had ECT in 2010 that was difficult in many ways, but also helpful in many ways. Keep going if you are depressed. We can get better. I’m proof. I still have the same work problems- they are always in the picture. I still struggle with mania and sleep, but wow, my depression is better. It’s important to remind ourselves that with time and vigilance, we can change. I believe in you!
There is a commercial on the radio where I live here in Portland, Oregon that always makes me laugh. It says… ‘Beware of the holiday horrors! Buy all of your holiday presents now, the day after Thanksgiving and save yourself the stress of waiting until the last minute!” Oh, it sounds like torture to me! When did Thanksgiving become so much about Black Friday sales? In case you didn’t know, Black Friday is a sales day after the Thursday Thanksgiving here in the United States. It’s called Black Friday because it’s a day businesses can make enough money to balance the books instead of being in the red!
As a person with bipolar disorder or a person who cares about someone with the illness, there’s a good chance you have had some difficult holidays in the past.
Thanksgiving is a family holiday based around a traditional dinner held in honor of the dinner served between the people who ‘founded’ the US and the people who found the country way before any British showed up- the Native Americans. The food usually includes the following: Turkey, stuffing or dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, pies such as pecan or pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce. Many families have a Thanksgiving dish they remember growing up. For me, it was my grandmother’s homemade corn bread dressing. I had many wonderful Thanksgiving holidays while growing up – mostly in Alabama.
As I got older, the holidays became a fun time with friends.
And then…. they just became too much.
Is it the same for you? Maybe you don’t want to cook, don’t have the $200 to spend on a dinner for eight. It might be you don’t like your family! And finally, the hardest is when you don’t have anywhere to go. It doesn’t mean you don’t have friends- it might just happen they are all with their families and yours is out of town.
It may be that your family is here, but the atmosphere is stressful. I’ve seen a few snarky faces at Thanksgiving. It’s hard to have to be happy and united for a day.
It’s a lot of pressure.
Start thinking now of what you want your Thanksgiving to be like this year. You get to decide.
Julie
PS: Thanksgiving can be wonderful, but it’s usually challenging when bipolar disorder is an unwanted guest. That’s why we have to plan ahead!
This is what a #bipolar looks like. This is what illness looks like. I am not like this when stable. I couldn’t make these faces naturally if I tried.
Panic attack #anxiety, #dysphoric#mania, #euphoric mania and extreme #depression. It’s not pretty.
When I am sick with bipolar, I must stop everything to end the bipolar before I make ANY decisions.
I must stop the bipolar before I get upset by what someone says or does.
I must stop the bipolar before I spend money, change my job, leave a new relationship, start a new relationship or make any big life decisions.
If you want to get better, treat bipolar first. If you don’t treat bipolar first, the decisions you make when you are this sick can ruin your life in an instant and you will struggle what you once had back.
When you ask a question or talk about the other person and their answer is about you, learn how to get the conversation back on track by using my Fast Conversation Strategies.
– I like spending time together, but lately I’ve found it hard to get in touch with you.
– Response: Oh, so now you’re my mother?
– It helps me a lot to know when you need me to do the writing on the website. I need a schedule so that I can keep my work in order. I’m a bit confused about the project itself.
– Hmm. I guess it’s all about you these days is it? Can’t you just do what I sent you and let me get my own work done!
I’m worried about your drinking and would like to talk about it.
– You had a glass of wine at dinner the other night, so look who’s talking!
This is all bull@#$@# if you want to know the truth and as soon as you realize that someone is deflecting your genuine worry or desire for information back on you, you can stop it in five seconds.
– I like spending time together, but lately I’ve found it hard to get in touch with you.
– Response: Oh, so now you’re my mother?
– I have no desire to be your mother, but I do like to be around people who are accessible. If this doesn’t work for you, I understand. I will find someone who does answer my calls.
It helps me a lot to know when you need me to do the writing on the website. I need a schedule so that I can keep my work in order. I’m a bit confused about the project itself.
– Hmm. I guess it’s all about you these days is it? Can’t you just do what I sent you and let me get my own work done!
– When it comes to my work, it makes sense for me to have a schedule. My work is important to me and to keep it of high quality, I need better communication and a timeline. If this doesn’t work for your, that is ok. I will find someone who does want to work in this way.
I’m worried about your drinking and would like to talk about it.
– You had a glass of wine at dinner the other night, so look who’s talking!
– If you want to talk about my drinking during a different conversion, that is fine with me. Right now, I am talking about your drinking and how it affects me.
I’ve been a coach for parents and partners for ten years now. The situations I work in are often enormous crises. Super clear communication is always the first step to getting the person who is ill in to treatment.
Coaches are not therapists. My job is to help a loved one learn to communicate with someone who has bipolar. This in turn taught me to communicate with anyone. Sometimes, when a conversation or email exchange happens and I feel that someone is trying to control me, my work or to get me to do more work than I have been paid for for example, I will listen, say nothing and LEAVE. They can finish their own work.
My stability is what matters. I pledge not to harm others. I pledge to listen to others when they need to talk to me. I pledge to be the best person I can be. To do this, I don’t have to put up with the crap of others. I can leave.
If your adult child and his or her bipolar disorder symptoms are taking center stage, than you may be living in a “hijacked house.”
by Julie A. Fast
It is a bit of a “joke” to talk about how many millennials have moved back in with their parents. But when the millennial has bipolar disorder, it’s rarely funny at all. If you’re a parent of an adult child with bipolar disorder who is living at home, losing control of your house is common and for many, very unsettling. What do I mean by losing control of your house?
Are you afraid to force a child to do housework as it might make the child more ill?
Does the child have a completely different sleeping schedule than yourself and other members of the family?
Does your child play video games instead of working?
Maybe substances are involved you would rather not have in your presence.
And finally, you might hear this from the child, “I’m an adult now! You can’t tell me what to do! My health care is my own business and not something you need to ask me about all of the time!”
When I work with families, I use the term “The Hijacked House” to describe a situation where the child and the child’s bipolar disorder take center stage and the rest of the family feels out of place and without much of a say in the current living situation. Many times this happens even if people have the best intentions. Bipolar disorder is a serious illness and if a child has moved back home due to the illness, there is a good chance they are in need of help.
But, having an illness is not an excuse for certain behaviors and it is up to parents to take back the home if the situation has become too uncomfortable. I teach people to do this through a conversation. Here is an example:
Jorge, it is great having you home and knowing that you’re safe makes me feel a lot better. I’ve heard you say you want to get back to work and that you might even go back to school. This is great and it got me to thinking about what I want and need in life as well. I realized that while you’re here, I need you to talk with me about your health care so that I can ease my own anxiety over what happened. When I ask questions about your medications or treatment, it is not out of nosiness or trying to pry into your life, it is for myself and my desire to be a part of your health care team. While you live here, we are a team. This means exchanging information. We can set up a specific time to talk about this once a week if that works better for you.
If you are in a situation where a conversation such as this one is not even possible, two things are probably happening: One, your child is too sick to hear you and needs better treatment, or your child is unable to find the empathy and maturity needed to understand that living at home as an adult comes with adult requirements, just as if your child rented a room from someone. In the second case, talking with your child about your needs helps you move towards a more balanced relationship.
None of this is easy. If you’re reading this as a parent and feel like you have been blindsided by your child moving back in, this is normal! Bipolar is complicated and it takes time for everyone to find a balance after a big change. I have seen an adult child moving back home turn in to the absolutely best possible scenario when all of the pieces of the puzzle are seen clearly. This can happen for you, but first, I suggest that you see if your house that you pay for has been hijacked by bipolar disorder and if it’s time to take it back for yourself.
Parent, Caregiver, Partner or Health Care Professional?
Enter your email below and sign up for Julie’s The Stable Lifestyle newsletter.
Mom Brain Podcast
Listen to Julie’s latest interview on bipolar disorder and mental health in children, teens and adults on the Mom Brain Podcast with Hilaria Baldwin and Daphne Oz.
The health information contained herein is provided for general education purposes only. This site should not be seen as a substitute for an official diagnosis or for professional health care.
