Straight Talk on Managing Bipolar Disorder

Hi, It’s hard for me to write blogs when I’m so suicidal.  I wrote a few days ago about a bad experience with Zoloft that put me into a severe downswing.

I just had a conversation with my coauthor Dr. John Preston and he said, “Julie, you always keep the fighting attitude alive. You keep moving even when it’s hard to keep moving.”

And then we asked the question- What’s the alternative!

I don’t want to kill myself, but my brain doesn’t get the message sometimes. I was crying in bed last night with the thoughts, “Is this all there is to my life? Will I always be this sick? Does anyone care about me? Am I going to die from this illness? Will I be alone forever? Does my work have a purpose? Why am I on this earth?  I am left out of everything. My life is so small.”

If you have ever been suicidal- you probably have! – this is the common language of bipolar suicidal thoughts. They never change- but my god they feel so real it’s hard to fight them. But as John said- you just have to keep a fighting attitude. So that is what I do. I’ve had these suicidal episodes since age 19- I’m 45 now. I don’t get used to them because they SUCK, but I do keep fighting the desire to give in to them.

Last night was hard. The voices, thoughts and images spit out by a bipolar brain are like the world’s most compelling movie. But that’s all they are- FICTION.

I’ve managed to get my voice of reality in there- This is an illness Julie. You had trouble with the Zoloft Julie. You’ve been through this a million times before and it always ends. You are going to be fine. Keep going with your life so that all will be in place when you get better. Don’t do anything stupid when you feel like this. Remind yourself all day that this is NOT the real you.  You never think these things when you’re well. And just keep on creating a life you can love so that it’s there to help you through these suicidal episodes.

So, that is what I’m doing today. The stuff is there in the background of my head- I feel it lurking, but I won’t ever give into it. It’s an illness. I bet I will be fine in the next few days. I just have to be easy on myself so that I can get better.

Hey, I’m working today- seeing friends- doing my email- getting on with life. It’s proof you can feel like dying and not listen to it- because it’s not real.

Julie

I really appreciate and learn from reader comments. I read all of them. I try to respond as much as possible. I especially appreciate comments that give different opinions to what I’ve written on the blog and in my books. I really mean this. My view of bipolar disorder is not the only view- that’s for sure!

I’ve learned so much since I became well enough to write my books- this was in 2001. Not that long ago! Since then I’ve found a medication that has helped immensely with my symptoms (Lamictal) and have continued to use my Health Cards treatment plan- but there are definitely areas of my writing regarding myself that are out of date. It can be hard to see your ideas in print when you have changed your situation! For example, in my books Bipolar Happens and Tips for Talking with Health Care Professionals, I mention quite often that I can’t take meds. That changed and now I have to go back and edit the books to make sure they reflect my current situation. My ideas in the books are the same- I just have to keep them up to date on myself!

Do you write about this illness? Do you have a blog? I have found that writing saves my life. I can write when I feel too depressed to live. I can also see the hypomania in my writing as I use over the top happy words and my thoughts are faster than my hand.

The writing reminds me that I have been sick before and I will be sick again- but it’s an illness and not the real me. I wrote my traditionally published books (Loving, Take Charge and Get it Done) while very depressed and often a bit psychotic. Oh well!

So please do keep sending comments. They make me think and really help me move forward when life seems impossible.

Julie

What is Cyclothymia?

Cyclothymia is harder to diagnosis for sure- I suggest that you start a mood swing chart where you chart your moods every night- it’s easy to do. I will do a blog on it soon with a link to a download mood swing chart- there is one in the back of my book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder along with one of my charts- the book is all book stores- so you could look at it and start your own.

I have charted my mood nightly for the past seven years. It has been invaluable.

Cyclothymia can be so hard to diagnosis as it is often seen as moodiness- the depression is easy to spot- though it can be seen as negativity which further compllicates things! The problem is the mild mania. This is harder to spot- which is why charting the mood helps.

Cyclothymia is cyclical- thus the name! It means that your moods will eventually form a pattern. The depression form of cyclothymia is called dysthymia. That’s what my mom has- lamictal has helped immensely. Be careful of taking anti depressants as they can cause the mania to get worse!

It’s great that you’re exploring your moods and finding out what works for you.

Julie