When I have certain mood swings, I find myself getting really picky about each word a person says. I will look at a sentence from an email, or remember what a person said and then examine it way too closely. Did they mean this- or did they mean that? Are they mad at me? Have I done something wrong?
This kind of examination is destructive for relationships- especially when it happens over email.
I have found that if someone is upset they will usually tell me. If I have done something to offend them, they will usually tell me. If I never hear from someone again, that is their choice. I now remind myself that I am only responsible for my own behaviors. What is said to me or what is sent to me in email is not in my control.
I still have the same worries and tendencies when I’m sick to break apart everything that happens to me, but I resist the impulse of telling others about it and just focus on my own health.
Julie
Hi Julie,
First of all thanks for sharing. Two years ago I did meet a great guy. He was in the middle of a divorce, I was divorced for 2 years. He is my dentist and rang my doorbell one afternoon a few days after a visit at his office. I was indeed very surprised…….to say the least. I live in a very small beautifull village in Belgium. A tourist place with lots of restaurants….where he did spent a lot of time drinking with the locals. Would be at my door in the middle of the night but I would not open the door realizing that he probably had too much to drink. Not realy my thing! When he was ‘sober’ I would let him in and after a few months, after his wife left, we did get romanticly involved. To make a long story short: the reason for his divorce, in his opinion, was that his wife suffered from severe depression and Munchausen by Proxi,……and accused him of being bipolar. To please her he also did see a psychiatrist and because she ‘lied’ to his psychiatrist he was wrongly diagnosed as bipolar. He was convinced that she had done that to ensure she would get all his money after the divorce. After a few months he discontinued medication since he was NOT sick. He was so happy she was out of his life. Also his 20 yo daughter suffered from borderline and his 17 yo son from ADHD, all in the head of the mother. But….about 3 months after we did get serious he started to suffer from a major depression!!! Guilt about the divorce and he wanted desperately to get his family back. Not easy for me but I ‘suffered’ a lot after my divorce, so I did understand his grief very well. I decided that it would be best to be good friends. I could not leave this helpless man, who had no friends (!) and very poor contact with his family. There was truly nobody there for him. Also his son did want nothing to do with him which was very hard for him. But after his depression got worse and worse (over 10 Months)…….my intuition started to tell me that his wife was probaly right. That he is bipolar. I tried to make life as comfortable as possible, grocery shopping together and he would eat almost every day at my place. Trying to make him feel safe and welcome at all times.He did not want to stay overnight anymore, in case his wife would come back, regardless of the fact that he was extremely afraid to be by himself. So we spent hours on the phone during the night if he became anxious. I continued to stimulate him when he mentioned he wanted to look-up his old friends who lived about half an hour away. And he did, would have a good time but needed alcohol to ‘loosen up’. However when he started to tell me that his life was not worth living anymore I urged him to seek help. I even ‘dared’ to mention carefully that his wife may have been right and although it saddened him it did not make him angry. He did get an antidepressive (Sipralexa)perscibed by his family physichian and within 2 weeks his depression dissapeared completely. First more talkative and after a few more weeks the only thing he did was going out with his friends. And getting drunk. He also became very fast sexualy interested in me again, after months of nothing. At first I was happy that he was feeling better after such a severe ‘down’ period. Then his stories about his friends became weird, they would sometimes get angry with him, but he continued to spent a lot of time with them. He never wanted me to join him because he felt it was too early after his divorce and he was ‘pampered’ by his old friends who felt sorry for him. His kids knew me as his best friend, and I agreed not to overwhelm them with a new partner.They had difficulties with mom’s new boyfriend. I checked his medication on the internet and realized that antidepressants are ‘poison’ for bipolar disorder, and knew then immediately that he suffered from a manic episode. I did mention this to him but he answered that he made the stories worse as they were. I knew I was too late to stop it. Lots of things happened from Jan till now 2010. And 6 weeks ago his daughter asked me if I was more then a friend for her dad because she did see that by the way he talked and looked to me. He has always been very kind and sweet to me, never irritated. And she felt she had to tell me that her father was ‘officialy’ dating a woman from the town where his friends lived. But told her that if she would ever tell me he would never want to see me again. And she mentioned that she recognized his manic episode from the past. Well I was shocked since I had mentioned often to him to be honest if he wanted to “see” (sleep with) other woman. That that would otherwise not be fair to me. What was I thinking!!!! Phoe severe lie after lie are difficult to cope with. I confronted him and he denied. I gave him a hard to better be honest or…..:)! I was very sad although I started to read a lot about his disorder. He invited me for dinner to talk and I agreed. I know he likes and respects me very much. And took it as an opportunity to calmly talk about his disorder, and to seek help, that I would be there for him as well as his daughter. And although I thought it worked reality is that he continous to see his friends, consumes lots of acohol (lost his drivers license) and takes his clothes off when he should not. Sharing this with his son, being proud of it. So I tried it the ‘sweet’ way, that did not work. Made me furious the more since his kids suffer a lot from it and call me almost daily. And I could not help myself last week to sent him an email (a few actually) and expressed my anger. Yesterday one sms to let him know that I did not mean to hurt him but that I hope he understands my frustration. That it is up to him to make the only right decission: get the right medication! Seek help. That I think of him a lot, will remember our good times but need to protect myself of getting hurt. I have not heard from him since. He is in his good days a sincere and great guy. Somewhat shy even. I don’t know what the future may bring but I try first to take care of myself. Indeed reading a lot about it and your blog being of great help….and hope. Any advice. Do you agree to not contact him knowing that he is still in his manic period? Thanks for taking the time to read this long story. It feels good to share though.
PS Ofcourse I realize now that I did meet him during a manic episode 2 years ago. And am still slightly blaming myself that I did not (want to?) recognize it at all