Relationships that Don’t Exist
Have you ever noticed that your brain can create a relationship with someone that isn’t real? Even to the point of seeing them do bad things to you or cause you problems – all in your mind!
I try hard to recognize this when it’s happening and prevent it from going too far. Only people with bipolar will really get this one as it’s so strange!
What matters is that we never act on these feelings until we are sure something is real. I’ve learned to do this. I have a lot of people around me who can listen and say- “well, Julie. It sounds like you’re making something out of nothing. The person is actually acting pretty normally and you’re trying to make them like you- and they’re not.”
My friends always point out that when the bipolar is giving me a hard time- it makes me think others are going through what I go through so I have the same expectations of them that I have of myself- such as my needed to KNOW when something will happen or having trouble WAITING for another person to do what I feel they should do.
I am not like this at all when I’m well- so I’ve learned what is me and what is the illness and I can honestly say I rarely have problems in my relationships because of bipolar. I still have all of the symptoms and all of the pain, but I don’t take it out on others.
Julie
I kind of have the opposite problem. My brain does create bad relationships with people that aren’t real, but it creates positive ones too. It’s weird. I’m borderline too so that explains a lot, but I get really excited sometimes when I meet someone new. There are certain people I just feel an instant connection with. And so I obsess about them and how they’re wonderful and want to learn about them and be close to them. They’re usually teachers or counselors, fellow mental health cronies or dancers. And I build my life around them thinking that if they care about me then I must be okay. I did this for many years when I was younger with dance teachers in different states. There was one woman who I wrote hundreds of letters to for 5 or 6 years who never once wrote me back. But I kept writing because when I would see her at a convention once every year and ask if she had gotten the letters she would say yes and give me a hug. I thought that’s what relationships were supposed to be like. And, in a way, it’s easier that way. When I can take a real person I rarely see and give them whatever attributes I want, positive or negative, I feel more in control. You know? Even when you give someone negative attributes or convince yourself they hate you you are giving yourself the control, even though you feel helpless.
I have been out of dancing for awhile and just went back to a convention this weekend. And I saw one of these teachers. And I was thinking back over my memories with her and remembered something I had long forgotten. She is one of the reasons I’m alive today. She always listened to me and one time when I was particularly down and suicidal I asked when it was I would see her next. It was about 9 months. And, although I didn’t tell her until now, I decided then that I only had to make it until I could see her again. And I fought and fought to make it through that time reminding myself over and over that I had to make it to see her again. Somehow my idealization of this woman, my imaginary relationship, helped me to stay alive. And I am so grateful. 🙂