I have a many names for the myriad types of depression I experience.
For 10 years, I had ‘stunned depression’ off and on. This type of depression is especially hard because it makes movement difficult. This rotten mood swing makes me sit on the side of the bed with my hands in my head like I’m in a daze. It’s harder to think. I have all of the normal upsetting depression thoughts- that is bad enough- I just can’t beleive how it stuns me. Like a sucker punch. Technically, it’s catatonic depression… it still feels like I’ve been hit from behind.
I could go on and on. Living with this for so long wore me down.
Here is a journal entry from 2011:
I have to get out of the house and did everything I could to feel better. I watched football, played with my mom’s new puppy, saw my nephew and am now going to meet a friend. I have to deal with immobility as a normal person would- if they had a broken leg. I can’t let the depression take hold- I wrote Get it Done When You’re Depressed for this stunned depression. I often think of the table of contents and use what I can. I can use Think Like an Athlete- I’m always amazed at how athletes keep going even when they’re sick. I can do it too. No matter how depressed I am. Come on Julie. Move no matter how immobile you feel.
I am going to be like an athlete. I will not let depression stun me all day!
**
Skip to 2013. I’m better. It’s so interesting to read my journals. I was so sick for so long. I got better last year when I found a better combination of medications. I write about this alot on my Facebook page. I use the plan in my books and work hard to stay on the medications despite the side effects.
Ten straight years of depression- and I was better in less than two months when I tried the meds. I still get depressed, but it’s rare. This is possible for you – this is possible for someone you care about. Never stop until you find relief from depression!
I have a question. Looking back at about eight months of journaling, I noticed that every two months or so, my entries suggest that I was depressed. It would appear that this is cycling every two months. Could this be accurate? Anything I can do to correct it? Yes, I will bring it up with my psychiatrist at the next appointment.
Thanks!
Hi Sandra,
Bipolar disorder is an episode illness- as compared to psychotic or personality disorders which can be more stable over time. This means a person can have a few severe episodes and then none for a few years- or someone, like myself can have mood swings every day for years and years. I had 23 mood swings from the last part of April and all of May. It was not pleasant. I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder II with psychosis. It sounds like your rapid cycling follows a very strict pattern.
If you’re cycling every two months- that’s pretty regular- so you should be able to pinpoint what is going on. There are a few things- hormones, the weather, triggers, medications or just the illness itself. This is probably just your brain pattern. I did a podcast with my friend Alice- she talks about how she gets manic ever spring and depressed in the winter- like clockwork. I am definitely happier in the summer.
What matters is that you chart it. If you see a definite pattern of depression interlaced with mania- talk with your doctor about rapid cycling and make sure your meds are correct. Anti depressants can cause this rapid cycling. Also, mania can look like stress when it’s actually agitated mania. Lamictal can help a lot with rapid cycling.
It’s great that you’re seeing the patterns- it’s the best way to manage the illness. I have my Health Cards Treatment Plan- I know you have them as well- I would get out your depression card and write the times you see the change into depression and what you think, say and do right before it starts. That is how to prevent yourself from going down too far.
1. It’s hard to get out of bedwhen you don’t have anyone to see or anywhere to go. Get out and find some fun even if it feels like you can’t.
2. A bad relationship will make you sick. (This means relationships that make you feel bad. We have all had them!)
3. Messing around with your sleep patterns can be disastrous. Pick a schedule and stick to it. Good sleep changes everything. I know this can be really hard.
4. If you love someone with bipolar disorder, you just might be frustrated, incredulous and worried once in awhile.
5. If you have consistent mood swings, you will not get better if you smoke a lot of pot. A proven fact. Sorry- it’s true.
6. Opiates only make you feel better in the moment. I know. I threw my Vicodin in the toilet because I liked it too much.
And finally…..
7. We all need a purpose. This illness takes so much from us. Let’s find activities and people who give our lives a sense of meaning.
Writing books on bipolar disorder has been my career for over ten years. I enjoy writing and plan to do a lot more. (It can be a challenge when the mood swings are paying a visit, that’s for sure.)
Over two years ago, I started coaching partners and family members of people with bipolar disorder as an addition to my writing career.
I never, ever thought I would find work that I enjoy as much as I enjoy coaching. I feel at home with the parents and partners as I have been where they are- and I remain calm during the crises that many of my clients are going through while we are working together. Bipolar disorder is like a puzzle. It’s not always easy to find the right pieces on your own. It helps to have a coach as a guide.
My coaching practice has room for new clients. I take new clients about once a month-and then help them as best I can. It’s a partnership that saves relationships and often lives.
Coaching is not for everyone, but if you are concerned about your relationship with a person with bipolar disorder, it may be a good fit for you. The following link will tell you more. I look forward to talking.
I have said this to myself many times in the past 15 years since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Just a few weeks ago I dealt with a lot of suicidal thoughts- even when I was crying and scared, I said, “Julie, it’s bipolar disorder. It’s going to be ok.”
When I wake up depressed and think, “Oh no, not another day of depression!” I say to myself, “Get up Julie. Make it a day that isn’t ruled by depression. Then it will be ok.”
Oh man. I get tired of this illness, but it’s treatable. I woke up slightly depressed this morning. I then made myself focus on what was going well in my life and the depression didn’t feel so overwhleming. Once I got up and got going, the day looked more positive.
It’s getting up that makes the difference.
If you’re sick today- it’s going to be ok. If you were super sick and just got out of the hospital it’s going to be ok. And if you just went through a summer mania where you did some really stupid things- you can get through that as well. I got through a three month long hypomania on a Navy Base in Yokosuka, Japan in 1987. There was a lot of partying going on and then a lot of depression when I got back to the states. I wasn’t diganosed until 1995.
I had my first mania episode at 17 and my first suicidal depression at 19. I’m 48 now and I’m ok!
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