Bipolar Disorder and Work: I’ve got to get my act together!
For the past few weeks, I was pretty ill so I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked. Now that I’m better, I have to get my act together and create a schedule I have to follow. Today is Saturday and I’ve been floating again. I so wish I had an office to go to! Restaurants and coffee shops work when I have a specific deadline, but when the deadline is internal, I have trouble. I am watching the Super Bowl tomorrow so that day is planned. I now have to plan next week so that I have to be at certain places at certain times.
This has always been a problem. If you go to work at a certain time and come home a certain time, would you like to change places!!!! I want someone looking over my shoulder saying, “All right Julie! Get going!” I know that I have to do this for myself.
My book Get it Done When You’re Depressed has a strategy called Structure You Day Like a Child’s. It refers to the fact that children have a plan from morning to evening. I need that as well!
Julie
julie wish you can talk to my ex-husban he is bipolar i dont know what to do anymore i try to talk to him but it don’t work.but reading this i understand what he’s going tru his family never care’d i cant to this. my 11 year old son get’s upset.is there a way somebody can help him.he allway’s tell me his going to kill himself or he gets drunk.please help him.
Hi Julie,
Thanks for your most recent newsletter…I’ve been having a hard time getting anything done for about the last month or so, and I just feel “stupid” like my brain won’t work. Maybe it’s the season! Anyway, I was encouraged by your letter 🙂
~Noelle
Hi Julie,
How I wish that I was as strong as you. Here you are going through the illness like the rest of us…managing the the “controlled” chaos of our brains. It did seem that your newsletter had not appeared in my e-mail inbox as regularly. It’s been a hard day, so I am sure that I am not communicating as clearly as I would like….Let me just simply say that you are a treasure for those of us in a highly-misunderstood group. Hope is my all-time favorite word, and your vulnerability and strength inspire hope in our lives. Thank you and I am so very glad that you determined the medication problem and that you are doing better.
-Candace
Hi Candace,
You are defintely as strong as I am- I just had to find ways to find the strength when I’m sick- if that makes sense. I have my system in place when things get bad, as they did last month! It takes daily practice. I lose hope regularly, but have to remind myself that the real me is pretty normal! I don’t even think about hope much when I’m well. I am sorry you’re having a tough day. Communication is hard when you feel rotten. But, you sent me a letter, so you are communicating! That means you can go to bed feeling better than when you woke up! Julie
I’ve been getting your newsletter & have your books & sharing them with friends in my support group. They have been so helpful. I find scheduling my day essential. I actually do a “time line” every morning figuring out when I’m going to do certain chores, exercise, have some “me” time (knit or read motivational books or novels), etc. or I get really scattered (also have ADHD which I do take medication for). If I don’t I feel badly about myself for not getting anything accomplished & my environment is in chaos & that makes me feel unsettled.
I wanted to tell you a little about my “roundabout” way of getting diagnosed with bipolar. I had my first suicide attempt at 15 & my last one 2 1/2 years ago. I am now 54. My mother had bipolar & was not able to be helped. She was in & out of mental institutions, had ECT’s, medications & was in the process of being involuntarily committed to the mental institution when she successfully killed herself (after many attempts). I was 15; this was about 3 months after my overdose. She had been “sick” since I was 3 years old.
After my mother died, my father didn’t want to deal with another “mental case” I guess so he sent me away to a boarding school. I didn’t see much of him after that. I turned to alcohol & drank to the point of blackouts frequently. In my 20’s I had a baby 2 1/2 months premature due to my drinking & smoking while pregnant.
The intense guilt over that caused me to stop drinking & smoking, but the depression came back full force. I sought help, but my GP kept putting me on anti-depressants. When I got on Prozac I went into hypo mania & thought, “Wow, this stuff really works!” I felt great for about 8 weeks & then crashed. He upped the dosage & the same thing happened. Then he switched me to other anti-depressants & I followed the same pattern for years.
Finally, I changed to an internal medicine doc & when I went in to see her I was in a mixed state & she said with my mother having bipolar & my symptoms & reactions to anti-depressants she didn’t think I had “regular depression” but bipolar & put me on Depakote & sent me to a psychiatrist. By this time I was about 43 years old & quite frankly a mess. I had started drinking & smoking again & was barely coping.
The Depakote helped with the agitation, but not the depression so that started a year-long quest for the right combo of meds. I had so many side effects. Felt GREAT on Lithium but had kidney malfunction. Geodon knocked me out so much that I fell asleep while driving & the only thing that saved me from killing myself was that the shoulder of the road had gravel & the sound of the wheels hitting the gravel as I veered off the road woke me up.
I did have paranoia & delusional thinking (thought my husband wanted me to kill myself) & was put on Abilify & Lamictal & Provigil & Xanax–later had to add Wellbutrin one winter when a depression hit me.
But I was stable for 5 years & got involved with NAMI teaching in their classes as a consumer & was a “poster middle-aged woman” for bipolar. Doing all the right things.
Then I went on a trip to see a friend in Calif. I live in the Midwest I got very excited & started not sleeping due to excitement. When I got there I continued to not sleep–just getting about 2 hours of sleep yet full of energy & enthusiasm. I felt WONDERFUL.
When I returned home this “new me” continued for 5 months. I so was enthused about everything & enjoyed all the extra time I had because I was only sleeping 2-3 hours. I could actually feel the adrenaline coursing through my body–rushing like speed.
I didn’t tell the doc as I didn’t realize this was dangerous. I was joining all sorts of organizations & playing a mean game of tennis & my husband seemed to like this personality better, too. I was more social, self confident (never one of my strong suits) & face it, he liked the stronger sex drive that came along with it.
But with the lack of sleep I didn’t realize that my brain could “misfire” & one night he made a negative remark & I flipped a switch & went into the bathroom & downed a bottled of Xanax. He found me unconscious.
So there went my stability. For 2 years after that I struggled with being in a mixed state. My meds being fooled with. Going to intensive therapy. My self esteem was in the gutter. I couldn’t stop crying & somehow all this childhood stuff came up that I had “forgotten.”
But I also started dialectical behavioral therapy. What a great thing that has been. I have learned so many tools to help me retrain my thinking & thus, help me regulate my out of control emotions. Now in the past 2 months I have been able to get off the Abilify (the paranoia & delusions have not returned) & cut my Lamictal dosage by 1/2. I’m not on any anti-depressants & have learned to handle my anxiety with breathing techniques & mindfulness.
I no longer fear I will overdose again. I know now that I have to call my doc if I go 3 nights without sleeping at least 6 hours & that I cannot give into the “drug” of hypo mania as it is like a drug to me.
My husband has stuck with me through all this. We met at that boarding school all those years ago when I was 15 & have been married for 34 years. My preemie? She is now a law prof. I had another son (didn’t drink or smoke during that pregnancy & had a full-term healthy baby); he is a civil engineer. They are both so happy for me to be feeling well again. I am so blessed to have a forgiving & understanding family.
Long story–sorry–but a happier one than my mother’s at least.