Lately, I’ve had quite a few people tell me how their perceive me. It has been quite eye opening. Here are a few:
Bad Ass, Commanding, Golden, Professional, Self Assured, Intimidating.
Are you kidding me? That can’t be how I’m seen because that is certainly NOT how I see myself. I see myself as someone who just has to get out of bed and hope the depression will not dog me all day! I see myself as someone who wants to be great, but often feels it will be impossible due to this illness. As you may know if you read my work- I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself regarding bipolar disorder. It’s simply my life. All I can do is deal with it. But it’s always there!
But Bad Ass! Really! On my Harley or something! Haha. It’s such a dual existence. I often go places and put my head in my journal and write my way though something stressful. Others see that as intimidating! Hard to approach! Oh, if people only knew. The only way I would use the above words is if I were manic- and then I would describe myself that way! haha. Mania knows no bounds.
Since my friends starting describing how the world sees me as compared to how I see myself, I am trying to blend the two. So, if you see me somewhere alone and furiously writing in my journal, please come up and say hi!
I wonder what your friends would say if you asked them to describe how the world sees you?
Julie
I think the thing is what the word means to them, and then what it can mean to you etc. I know as a Bipolar myself I get caught up in definitions. But always forget to ask the person who said, exactly what something means to them, before jumping to my own conclusions.
See I don’t think bad-ass is a ‘bad’ thing, if you ask people what it means, you’d probably be shocked…
See on wikipedia, it says:
A person whose extreme attitudes, behavior or appearance are admirable.
I personally love the definition on UrbanDictionary: (Not just for Men tho!)
The epitome of the American male. He radiates confidence in everything he does, whether it’s ordering a drink, buying a set of wheels, or dealing with women. He’s slow to anger, brutally efficient when fighting back.
The badass carves his own path. He wears, drives, drinks, watches, and listens to what he chooses, when he chooses, where he chooses, uninfluenced by fads or advertising campaigns. Badass style is understated but instantly recognizable. Like a chopped Harley or a good pair of sunglasses: simple, direct, and functional.
So honestly, at looking at that awesome definition, that is a compliment in the highest form!
Hi Emu,
Thanks for your wondeful post! I do see ‘bad ass’ as the compliment you describe! I just don’t live it unless I’m manic. It’s hard to find the real you in all of these mood swings- but I will channel my inner bad ass at all times in the future! I love the part about wearing gloves! Thanks for your support. Today is a day I need it! Julie
Hi Julie,
How others see me is something that I am struggling with myself. As part of my student work experience I am evaluated by the other people in the workplace…and honestly I never know what to expect. I now think that these evaluations say much more about the people doing the ‘judging’ than they do about me. I know I don’t take criticism well. I just think that at this stage of my life (I’m in my 50’s) having to deal with misperception as well as my own symptoms is more than enough. I don’t want to share my diagnosis or my life history with my co-workers and I’m very thin skinned.
No amount of reassurance or patience is going to make me react better to these situations. I also have a habit of ignoring all the positive stuff and ‘ruminating’ on any negative little thing.
Why does the work place put such weight on these things?
(Every time I evaluate someone else I put excellent in all the boxes as a way to skew the system.(maybe I’m a bit of a bad ass also;)
I sell on Ebay and receive a Social Security check once a month. Selling on Ebay only produces meager money. I just had a bit of a conflict with a buyer. I did not even have the money to mail him the item he won on my auction. I communicated with him a good number of times to inform him I just didn’t have the money – $5 to mail his item – but that I would at some point within a week or two. I really fell behind in mailing other people their items. I put up a lot of items to make some money on Ebay. I feel that I communicate very well. Other people were kind and told me not to worry about sending their items right away. Not this person. He was very angry. I had to tell him more about me than I cared to tell, about my mental illness. He wasn’t buying it. He was pissed and he gave me neutral feedback on Ebay. I told him don’t judge a man until you’ve walked in his shoes. I’m only human and am doing the best that I can. I communicate with honesty, integrity and truthfullness.