I recently asked readers to share their holiday stories and how they are affected by bi-polar disorder. Here is a guest blog from Allen.
“Thanksgiving 2010, It’s 4:15am, I’m laying in bed, my mind racing with so many things.Money, business, missing my family. My personal life a tangled up situation to say the least. It provides a never ending source of angst. But then again, if you’re me, what doesn’t?
It also provides much pleasure, love, and let’s face it, it’s the only life I have. Though I live with much regret, my manic side has provided amply for all those around me, and at times being manic is the secret ingredient in my life that has been very helpful. Trying to isolate what is “manic” from enthusiasm, being driven, entrepreneurial, goal oriented and a “never say never” commitment to providing for my family, is next to impossible for me.
My most problematic challenge, is on the opposite side of the spectrum, with this uncanny ability to have my feelings hurt, while I inaccurately interpret other people’s motivation behind their actions.
Years of therapy, and a little eastern philosophy has drummed into me over and over: “I am responsible for my feelings and have the power to control them”. But… a racing mind, and a depressed perspective all working in unison have enabled me to over-react, time and time again in ways that have shaped the history of my adult life.
Being separated from my family for two years now (due to my manic overreactions I might add), the “Holidays” offer plenty of opportunity to try and contain my inner turbulence, and offer my family a more in control, and positive father/husband.
Take this Thanksgiving, on the day before my lovely daughter sends me a text telling me how she and her mother are busy baking pies for Thanksgiving tomorrow. What occurs to me is “I was not invited to participate”, and I just happened to be sitting alone in my house *really* wishing I was with my family… It is thoughts like these that pierce any therapeutic armor I try to don for such occasions.
With such volume in my ears my mind ramps up, and repeatedly asks “Why don’t they care about me or the quality of my life?”
Just the night before I was summoned to come to their aid, and drive them around in my 4×4 due to the snow on the ground, and yes, I am invited to attend Thanksgiving dinner, but in between the major events, in the quiet of the subtle moments is where my demons lie it seems.
Just to up the ante in the moment, my phone rings, and it’s my estranged wife, mad as hell that a long term household repair that we have not been able to afford to fix has flared up and caused her some serious “pain”. It’s actually true. Angry, seriously barking at me asking “why she has to live this way”, and here I am hurting, wanting to be there, to spare her that moment… Now, not only am I not “wanted”, I am again the bad guy as well…
It’s like pouring gasoline… on a flame.
At a break in her blamefest, I told her that I would gladly trade her problem for the one I was presently experiencing, her response was: “So you managed to make this about you”, having never even explained my moment, I quickly got off the phone and raced for my medication, to take it early tonight.
God bless you pharmaceutical inventors of Lamictal.
Next Entry – Off to Thanksgiving dinner and visit the home I broke… (much to my surprise, it has a happy ending.) ”
-Allen (….and my little dog’s name is Zoey….I might add, her moods are quite stable!)
Hi Allen, I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post. I thought it was really interesting and I look forward to more of your story. I’m glad it has a happy ending. : )