{"id":10842,"date":"2017-12-04T15:39:58","date_gmt":"2017-12-04T23:39:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/?p=10842"},"modified":"2018-05-15T09:55:56","modified_gmt":"2018-05-15T16:55:56","slug":"daniel-bader-a-therapist-who-has-bipolar-disorder-talks-about-self-forgiveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/daniel-bader-a-therapist-who-has-bipolar-disorder-talks-about-self-forgiveness\/","title":{"rendered":"Daniel Bader: A Therapist who has Bipolar Disorder Talks about Self Forgiveness"},"content":{"rendered":"

Guest blogger Daniel Bader<\/a> talks about life with bipolar and how learning to forgive himself for past behaviors helped him create strong relationships and a successful career as a therapist.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
\n

Like most people with bipolar disorder, I have done many things that I regret. Some of them involve harming other people: broken friendships, horrible things I\u2019ve said, and even betrayals. Some of them involve harming myself: missed opportunities, lost jobs, and burned bridges. Looking back, it\u2019s difficult to think about these events without cringing. I will often think self-abusive comments: \u201cYou\u2019re an idiot!\u201d, \u201cYour so stupid!\u201d. Sometimes, I even say them out loud.<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

In order to stop being so abusive to myself, I’m learning the art of self-forgiveness. I\u2019m not perfect at it. Sometimes I\u2019m not even especially good at it. But it\u2019s made enough of a difference in my life that I know I will keep practicing this technique forever.\u00a0With self-forgiveness, I can move away from abusing myself to being more compassionate with myself, both in terms of how I think and how I act.<\/p>\n

My Three Steps to Self Forgiveness<\/b><\/p>\n

There are three things that I am working on in order to be more forgiving of myself.\u00a0Each of them helps in its own way, and many have had positive impacts that I never expected.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Abandoning the Blame Game Through Restorative Justice<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    In the past few years, I’ve served as a mediator for our local victim-offender reconciliation program.\u00a0\u00a0As I became more involved in this form of restorative justice, the idea of harming someone who did something wrong made less and less sense for me.\u00a0\u00a0It accomplishes nothing, and, more importantly, causes more harm than good by causing further shame, trauma, and damaged relationships.\u00a0\u00a0The more that I focus on healing and restoration, the less I focus on blame. \u00a0Now, my first instinct is more and more to focus on how to heal a wound, instead of creating new ones.\u00a0\u00a0Through my work, I see first-hand the power of restoration over retribution and I want to apply that same \u00a0positive outcome to my relationship with myself.<\/p>\n

    “Restorative justice is an approach to justice that personalizes the crime by having the victims and the offenders mediate a restitution agreement to the satisfaction of each, as well as involving the community.” Wikipedia<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Turning Guilt into a Path to Change<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      I can\u2019t change the past, so it makes no sense at all to deliberate about it,\u00a0even though it is human nature to do so.\u00a0\u00a0I might as well deliberate about what would be the best orbit for the moon.<\/p>\n

      \n

      \u00a0I needed to ask myself: what is the purpose of\u00a0my\u00a0guilt? Since it\u2019s not to change the past, it must be to change the future.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

      And here I can recognize not only have I done things that I regret, but I have learned from those mistakes.\u00a0\u00a0I\u2019ve even benefitted in many ways. If I hadn\u2019t blown all of those old relationships, I wouldn\u2019t have the wife and family that I have now. If I had become a lawyer, I wouldn\u2019t have become a therapist, a job that I love. The pain that comes from guilt can spur me on to make even greater changes in the future. It can do the same for you.<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Self-Compassion<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        It\u2019s not enough\u00a0for me\u00a0to replace harsh thoughts with kindly thoughts\u00a0about myself.\u00a0\u00a0I also need kindly actions.\u00a0\u00a0When I want to show someone I care for them, it is important for me\u00a0to be nice to them<\/i>. Since I\u2019m stuck with myself all day, I want my relationship with myself to be a kind one\u00a0in the same way.\u00a0\u00a0I now try to make sure I engage in at least one self-care activity per day: I\u2019ll take a walk, or buy myself a nice lunch, or take a nice nap.<\/p>\n

        \n

        Forgiveness involves action and it involves restoring the relationship, and I can\u2019t think of any better way to restore my relationship with myself than to be kind to myself.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

        Sometimes if I\u2019m really down, it can be kind to myself just to be able to stay in bed all day and rest, rather than thinking that I \u201cshould\u201d be doing something else.<\/p>\n

        Moving Forward<\/b><\/p>\n

        All of this, of course, is a work in progress. For every time I am able to forgive myself, there is a time where I fail.\u00a0\u00a0But forgiveness and kindness are habits, and I know that my low moods can make them even harder.\u00a0\u00a0My goal isn\u2019t to be perfect at being kind to myself, only to be better and gentler with myself as I grow.<\/p>\n

        I continue to grow in self-forgiveness and self-compassion, and to develop a better and better relationship with myself.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Being kind to myself, regardless of my past, has made living with bipolar disorder much more manageable.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

        What are some ways that you can forgive yourself and be kinder to yourself?\u00a0\u00a0Find what you enjoy, take it easy on yourself, and be kind, regardless of what may have happened in the past.\u00a0 It is something that you have the power to do!<\/span>
        \n<\/span><\/p>\n

        Daniel<\/b><\/em><\/h2>\n

        \"\"<\/p>\n

        <\/div>\n

        Daniel Bader,\u00a0Ph.D, RSW, CCC<\/b>\u00a0was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1997. \u00a0He is the founder of\u00a0Bipolar Village<\/a>\u00a0and works as an in person, email, video or telephone counsellor for people in Canada. \u00a0Please visit\u00a0Bader Mediation and Counseling Services<\/a>\u00a0to read more.<\/p>\n

         <\/p>\n

        A note from Julie:<\/strong> Therapists who have experience with bipolar disorder are gold! At this time, Daniel works with people in Canada, but I am hoping he will expand to the United States in the future. We need men to talk about bipolar and we need therapists who have life experience regarding mental health disorders. Bravo to Daniel! If you are in Canada, you can contact Daniel through his webpage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Guest blogger Daniel Bader<\/a> talks about life with bipolar and how learning to forgive himself for past behaviors helped him create strong relationships and a successful career as a therapist. <\/p>\n

        \"\"<\/p>\n

        Like most people with bipolar disorder, I have done many things that I regret. Some of them involve harming other people: broken friendships, horrible things I\u2019ve said, and even betrayals. Some of them involve harming myself: missed opportunities, lost jobs, and burned bridges. Looking back, it\u2019s difficult to think about these events without cringing. I will often think self-abusive comments: \u201cYou\u2019re an idiot!\u201d, \u201cYour so stupid!\u201d. Sometimes, I even say them out loud.<\/p>\n

        In order to stop being so abusive to myself, I’m learning the art of self-forgiveness. I\u2019m not perfect at it. Sometimes I\u2019m [ Read More ]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10842"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10842"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10842\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10868,"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10842\/revisions\/10868"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bipolarhappens.com\/bhblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}