Friends and family members play a very important role in the health of a person with bipolar disorder. The following information can help you decide what kind of role you want to play and will also give you some ideas on how to help the person with bipolar disorder.

What are you feeling?

When someone you love has bipolar disorder it can bring up a lot of uncomfortable emotions. You may feel worried, scared, hopeless or angry. Maybe the person you care about was just recently diagnosed and you have questions. Or maybe you're frustrated that the person won't get help for the illness. All of these feelings are normal. This is a difficult and tricky illness when untreated. The good news is that with the right treatment plan, people with bipolar disorder can find stability and lead a normal life and you can play an important role in this treatment plan.

How You Can Help

It helps to understand that bipolar disorder is not an emotional or personality problem: Bipolar disorder is a physical illness that has emotional and psychological symptoms. If you can understand that the person with the illness is not acting the way they do on purpose, you can find more compassion and strength to help them. All of us with this illness have emotional symptoms - this doesn't mean we have emotional problems. When the illness is treated correctly, most people can get back to normal and the "emotional problems" disappear. For example, when a person is depressed, it's normal for them to be annoyingly needy and clinging. If they are punished for this by friends and family it can cause more depression and broken relationships. The solution is for you, as a friend or family member to know that the neediness is due to depression. What works is if you can learn to help the person treat the depression instead of telling them to stop being so needy. One of the reasons the Health Cards work so well for friends and family members is that they show you exactly what to expect when your loved one is sick. This helps you recognize that it's a bipolar disorder problem and not a personal problem. In other words, if you can help your loved one treat bipolar disorder first, many of the problems you have with that person can go away.

Don't discuss life issues when a person is ill. I can't stress enough that it's pointless to discuss life issues with an ill person. You will get in a trap and there's no way out. Depressed, manic and psychotic people are not reasonable. The secret is to treat the bipolar first and THEN have conversations about the important things in life. So help the person get well, then you can have a real conversation about life.

Set limits and take care of yourself. You can only do so much to help a person find stability. If they're unwilling or unable to use the Health Cards or if they refuse medications because the illness is too strong to let them see they need help, you have to decide when enough is enough. Even if the person is your child, a parent, or a partner, there is a point where you have to take care of yourself and make sure your life is stable. This doesn't mean you don't continue to be there for the person when they need you - it means that you know your limits and you make them clear - even when you love someone and it breaks your heart to see them so ill. You have to do what you can: use the Health Cards, learn how to respond to the person when they're ill instead of reacting to them, set limits and tell them you love them but you have to take care of your own life as well. There is more on this topic throughout the web page and especially in my book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Helping and Understanding your Partner. This book is available in all US book stores and on line at amazon.com

What People with Bipolar Disorder Want You to Know

Over the years many people with bipolar disorder have told me that they don't want to be punished for having an illness. They want you to see that they really can't help some of their behaviors. They really do need more help and acceptance than other people. In fact they need a lot more help. They need your patience and love. One thing I've noticed about my own family is that they didn't have the education or vocabulary to help me at first. They simply weren't born knowing how to help someone with a serious mental illness - and I wasted a lot of time getting angry that they didn't know what to do. I finally realized that I had to teach them what I needed. I really was expecting too much of so many people. The Health Cards helped me show them how to talk with me and help me when I'm sick. The cards also helped them see what didn't work for me. The Health Cards teach friends and family members how to help their loved ones find stability so that they know exactly what to do when a person starts a mood swing - with the ultimate goal of preventing the mood swings from starting at all. They are the reason I have good relationships with my friends and family members today. My friends and family still think I'm weird and sometimes have a hard time knowing what to do, but at least they know it's bipolar disorder and they no longer blame me for my behaviors when I'm sick.

How I use the Health Cards with My Friends and Family Members

I've finally learned that I can only teach my friends and family how to help me and then hope that they can accept me. I really can't constantly explain why I get ill when there are too many people around, or why I get stressed and sick from life in general. I simply have to accept how I am and hope that they can do the same. They know it's bipolar disorder but it's often hard for them to understand my behavior.

For example, my mother tells me that she really tries to do what's on the Health Cards, but that I often reject her or tell her that she's crowding me when she tries to help. I just have to continually explain to her that when I'm ill it really bothers me to have people stand behind me and that it has nothing to do with her. I also have to remind her that it's normal for me to say she's crowding me when I'm sick. That is bipolar disorder talking and not the real me. I remind her to keep reading my cards so that she can remind herself that it's bipolar disorder and nothing she's done wrong. She now knows that I'm not like this when I'm well. I remind her that the cards tell her what I'll do and say when I'm sick and that she needs to remember that I'm trying hard to be normal, but sometimes the bipolar wins. The cards are a way she can remind herself that I always act in certain ways when I'm stressed, and that my behavior has nothing to do with her. She says, "It's hard to do all that you ask, Julie." And she's so very right. It is HARD to live with someone with this illness. But facts are facts. I have bipolar disorder. She has to learn how to work with me so that I can get back to normal.

What this means for you: As a friend or family member of someone with bipolar disorder, you have to accept their limitations and then move on with your own life. I've done that with my partner who has the illness and I have to do it with myself. I would give anything to be normal and not have to put so many limitations on my own friends and family- but the reality is that I have this illness. I try to focus on the positive. With the Health Cards and the techniques I give in Bipolar Happens! I'm able to have relationships again. I'm able to travel, go to concerts and see people again. There just have to be many things in place in order to do this. This is my life and I hope that my friends and family can understand my considerable limitations. They know that I'm doing everything possible to stay well. I exercise, eat a bipolar friendly diet, and follow my own tools. I really can't do much more, so the little things that remain are just something that my friends and family have to understand.

How does this relate to your relationship with your friend or family member? If they really are doing what they can to stay well, what is your role? This is a huge issue in the lives of people who live with bipolar disorder. How can they explain the illness to you so that you can understand that it really is an illness and not something personal? The Health Cards help immensely, but there has to be a change in you as well. None of this is easy- but I know from my own life that people can learn to help a person with bipolar disorder stay stable.

Friends and Family Members FAQ

What can I do if my family member doesn't
want my help?

It's important to remember that this illness makes people think they don't need help. It distorts the brain and makes people blind to their own illness. It's not that people don't want your help. The problem is usually that bipolar disorder won't let them accept your help. Knowing this may help you deal with the frustration you feel when you see an obviously ill person say they're fine and that you just need to leave them alone.

The truth is that you can't force someone to seek treatment or change their behaviors, but you can set standards and boundaries for what YOU can and will live with when someone you love has bipolar disorder. You can use the Health Cards to teach yourself how to respond when your family member or friend is ill. You can learn not to make the same mistakes every time someone gets ill. The Health Cards will help you notice your loved one's specific mood swings and help you prepare for the inevitable. You will no longer be in the dark- constantly wondering WHY the person does what he or she does. Ultimately, if a person refuses help, there is little you can do except take care of yourself and hope that things will change in the future. But remember, people can change. Everyone has a treatment window. You can introduce the Health Cards when they are ready for help.

How do I know if someone has bipolar disorder?

The Health Cards are not a diagnostic tool. They are for people diagnosed with a form of bipolar disorder. If you're wondering about the symptoms of bipolar disorder, I suggest that you go to a book store or library and read the DSMIV- this is the diagnostic manual that psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illnesses. It's very clear and easy to read. There's no need to buy the manual, you can read the section in one sitting. If you feel that someone you love has bipolar disorder, the only way you can know for sure is if they are diagnosed by a psychiatrist, general doctor or a licensed therapist who has experience diagnosing bipolar disorder. There really is no substitute for a correct diagnosis by a health care professional.

What if someone is too sick to use the Health Cards?

If a person is too sick to use the Health Cards, then you need to give them time to get help from a professional who can recommend and then help stabilize them on medications. The next step is a comprehensive treatment plan - but the person with bipolar disorder has to be relatively stable before they can even think of planning their future treatment plan. Give your loved one time to get better before you introduce your ideas for the future.

The Health Cards are a preventative tool. They are meant to be filled in when the person is well and then used when the person starts a mood swing. I use the Health Cards when I have mood swings - they really are the only thing that get through to me, but I fill them out when I'm thinking rationally. I suggest that if your loved one is too ill for you to help right now, you can read how to use the cards yourself and be ready with them when your loved one gets better. There are many parts of the cards that you can fill in from memory. Remember, people can get better when they have bipolar disorder. It just takes time. You can have the Health Cards ready and waiting.

What if the person I want to help is in the hospital?

If you know someone right now who is very ill or in the hospital, you can use the Health Cards to chart their behavior before and during the episode. You can then use the Health Cards to prevent the next episode. Also, it's important to remember that the hospital is not a place to discuss your relationship, the future or life in general. People need time to adjust when they get home. They need time to heal physically and emotionally from the experience. You can read the sample cards and determine if there's anything you can do from those cards that will help the situation. There is little in life more stressful than having someone in a psychiatric ward, but remember, people do get better. I got better, my partner got better, and the people I work with got better. Your job is to take care of yourself and learn what you can do in the future to minimize and hopefully help prevent another hospitalization. The Health Cards can help you do this.

A Final Note

The Health Cards offer more information on how friends and family members can help. Bipolar Happens! can give you insight into what a person with bipolar disorder experiences on a daily basis. My new book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Helping and Understanding Your Partner offers a treatment system especially created for partners. (The book is also an excellent tool for friends and family members.) The book will be available in 2004 and is ready for pre order on Amazon.com. The newsletter also offers extensive tips for friends and family members.

If someone you love is struggling with bipolar disorder, it helps if you can remind yourself that people do get better. Life can get back to normal. Give it time. Use the Health Cards- explore alternative, comprehensive treatments, help them stay on medications and learn to live your own life if someone doesn't respond to your desire to help. They may come around one day. The results are worth it. I promise.

Click on the icon below to read more on how to talk to someone who is in a bipolar disorder mood swing:

My new download book, Tips for Talking with Health Care Professionals is another great tool for friends and family members. We all know how difficult it is to talk with a doctor, social worker, therapist or other health care professional when we are ill. This book teaches clear strategies to make all of your health care relationships successful relationships. There is an excellent section for friends and family members in this new book. This book is included when you order the Health Cards.

Back to top