Friends and family
members play a very important role in the
health of a person with bipolar disorder.
The following information can help you decide
what kind of role you want to play and will
also give you some ideas on how to help the
person with bipolar disorder.
What are
you feeling?
When someone you
love has bipolar disorder it can bring up
a lot of uncomfortable emotions. You may feel
worried, scared, hopeless or angry. Maybe
the person you care about was just recently
diagnosed and you have questions. Or maybe
you're frustrated that the person won't get
help for the illness. All of these feelings
are normal. This is a difficult and tricky
illness when untreated. The good news is that
with the right treatment plan, people with
bipolar disorder can find stability and lead
a normal life and you can play an important
role in this treatment plan.
How You
Can Help
It helps to understand
that bipolar disorder is not an emotional
or personality problem: Bipolar disorder is
a physical illness that has emotional and
psychological symptoms. If you can understand
that the person with the illness is not acting
the way they do on purpose, you can find more
compassion and strength to help them. All
of us with this illness have emotional symptoms
- this doesn't mean we have emotional problems.
When the illness is treated correctly, most
people can get back to normal and the "emotional
problems" disappear. For example, when
a person is depressed, it's normal for them
to be annoyingly needy and clinging. If they
are punished for this by friends and family
it can cause more depression and broken relationships.
The solution is for you, as a friend or family
member to know that the neediness is due to
depression. What works is if you can learn
to help the person treat the depression instead
of telling them to stop being so needy. One
of the reasons the Health Cards work so well
for friends and family members is that they
show you exactly what to expect when your
loved one is sick. This helps you recognize
that it's a bipolar disorder problem and not
a personal problem. In other words, if you
can help your loved one treat bipolar disorder
first, many of the problems you have with
that person can go away.
Don't discuss
life issues when a person is ill.
I can't stress enough
that it's pointless to discuss life issues
with an ill person. You will get in a trap
and there's no way out. Depressed, manic and
psychotic people are not reasonable. The secret
is to treat the bipolar first and THEN have
conversations about the important things in
life. So help the person get well, then you
can have a real conversation about life.
Set limits
and take care of yourself.
You can only do
so much to help a person find stability. If
they're unwilling or unable to use the Health
Cards or if they refuse medications because
the illness is too strong to let them see
they need help, you have to decide when enough
is enough. Even if the person is your child,
a parent, or a partner, there is a point where
you have to take care of yourself and make
sure your life is stable. This doesn't mean
you don't continue to be there for the person
when they need you - it means that you know
your limits and you make them clear - even
when you love someone and it breaks your heart
to see them so ill. You have to do what you
can: use the Health Cards, learn how to respond
to the person when they're ill instead of
reacting to them, set limits and tell them
you love them but you have to take care of
your own life as well. There is more on this
topic throughout the web page and especially
in my book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder:
Helping and Understanding your Partner. This
book is available in all US book stores and
on line at amazon.com
What People
with Bipolar Disorder Want You to Know
Over the years many
people with bipolar disorder have told me
that they don't want to be punished for having
an illness. They want you to see that they
really can't help some of their behaviors.
They really do need more help and acceptance
than other people. In fact they need a lot
more help. They need your patience and love.
One thing I've noticed about my own family
is that they didn't have the education or
vocabulary to help me at first. They simply
weren't born knowing how to help someone with
a serious mental illness - and I wasted a
lot of time getting angry that they didn't
know what to do. I finally realized that I
had to teach them what I needed. I really
was expecting too much of so many people.
The Health Cards helped me show them how to
talk with me and help me when I'm sick. The
cards also helped them see what didn't work
for me. The Health Cards teach friends and
family members how to help their loved ones
find stability so that they know exactly what
to do when a person starts a mood swing -
with the ultimate goal of preventing the mood
swings from starting at all. They are the
reason I have good relationships with my friends
and family members today. My friends and family
still think I'm weird and sometimes have a
hard time knowing what to do, but at least
they know it's bipolar disorder and they no
longer blame me for my behaviors when I'm
sick.
How I use
the Health Cards with My Friends and Family
Members
I've finally learned
that I can only teach my friends and family
how to help me and then hope that they can
accept me. I really can't constantly explain
why I get ill when there are too many people
around, or why I get stressed and sick from
life in general. I simply have to accept how
I am and hope that they can do the same. They
know it's bipolar disorder but it's often
hard for them to understand my behavior.
For example, my mother tells me that she
really tries to do what's on the Health
Cards, but that I often reject her or tell
her that she's crowding me when she tries
to help. I just have to continually explain
to her that when I'm ill it really bothers
me to have people stand behind me and that
it has nothing to do with her. I also have
to remind her that it's normal for me to
say she's crowding me when I'm sick. That
is bipolar disorder talking and not the
real me. I remind her to keep reading my
cards so that she can remind herself that
it's bipolar disorder and nothing she's
done wrong. She now knows that I'm not like
this when I'm well. I remind her that the
cards tell her what I'll do and say when
I'm sick and that she needs to remember
that I'm trying hard to be normal, but sometimes
the bipolar wins. The cards are a way she
can remind herself that I always act in
certain ways when I'm stressed, and that
my behavior has nothing to do with her.
She says, "It's hard to do all that
you ask, Julie." And she's so very
right. It is HARD to live with someone with
this illness. But facts are facts. I have
bipolar disorder. She has to learn how to
work with me so that I can get back to normal.
What this
means for you:
As a friend or family
member of someone with bipolar disorder, you
have to accept their limitations and then
move on with your own life. I've done that
with my partner who has the illness and I
have to do it with myself. I would give anything
to be normal and not have to put so many limitations
on my own friends and family- but the reality
is that I have this illness. I try to focus
on the positive. With the Health Cards and
the techniques I give in Bipolar Happens!
I'm able to have relationships again. I'm
able to travel, go to concerts and see people
again. There just have to be many things in
place in order to do this. This is my life
and I hope that my friends and family can
understand my considerable limitations. They
know that I'm doing everything possible to
stay well. I exercise, eat a bipolar friendly
diet, and follow my own tools. I really can't
do much more, so the little things that remain
are just something that my friends and family
have to understand.
How does this relate to your relationship
with your friend or family member? If they
really are doing what they can to stay well,
what is your role? This is a huge issue
in the lives of people who live with bipolar
disorder. How can they explain the illness
to you so that you can understand that it
really is an illness and not something personal?
The Health Cards help immensely, but there
has to be a change in you as well. None
of this is easy- but I know from my own
life that people can learn to help a person
with bipolar disorder stay stable.
What can
I do if my family member doesn't want my help?
It's important to
remember that this illness makes people think
they don't need help. It distorts the brain
and makes people blind to their own illness.
It's not that people don't want your help.
The problem is usually that bipolar disorder
won't let them accept your help. Knowing this
may help you deal with the frustration you
feel when you see an obviously ill person
say they're fine and that you just need to
leave them alone.
The truth is that you can't force someone
to seek treatment or change their behaviors,
but you can set standards and boundaries
for what YOU can and will live with when
someone you love has bipolar disorder. You
can use the Health Cards to teach yourself
how to respond when your family member or
friend is ill. You can learn not to make
the same mistakes every time someone gets
ill. The Health Cards will help you notice
your loved one's specific mood swings and
help you prepare for the inevitable. You
will no longer be in the dark- constantly
wondering WHY the person does what he or
she does. Ultimately, if a person refuses
help, there is little you can do except
take care of yourself and hope that things
will change in the future. But remember,
people can change. Everyone has a treatment
window. You can introduce the Health Cards
when they are ready for help.
How do I
know if someone has bipolar disorder?
The Health Cards
are not a diagnostic tool. They are for people
diagnosed with a form of bipolar disorder.
If you're wondering about the symptoms of
bipolar disorder, I suggest that you go to
a book store or library and read the DSMIV-
this is the diagnostic manual that psychiatrists
use to diagnose mental illnesses. It's very
clear and easy to read. There's no need to
buy the manual, you can read the section in
one sitting. If you feel that someone you
love has bipolar disorder, the only way you
can know for sure is if they are diagnosed
by a psychiatrist, general doctor or a licensed
therapist who has experience diagnosing bipolar
disorder. There really is no substitute for
a correct diagnosis by a health care professional.
What if
someone is too sick to use the Health Cards?
If a person is too
sick to use the Health Cards, then you need
to give them time to get help from a professional
who can recommend and then help stabilize
them on medications. The next step is a comprehensive
treatment plan - but the person with bipolar
disorder has to be relatively stable before
they can even think of planning their future
treatment plan. Give your loved one time to
get better before you introduce your ideas
for the future.
The Health Cards are a preventative tool.
They are meant to be filled in when the
person is well and then used when the person
starts a mood swing. I use the Health Cards
when I have mood swings - they really are
the only thing that get through to me, but
I fill them out when I'm thinking rationally.
I suggest that if your loved one is too
ill for you to help right now, you can read
how to use the cards yourself and be ready
with them when your loved one gets better.
There are many parts of the cards that you
can fill in from memory. Remember, people
can get better when they have bipolar disorder.
It just takes time. You can have the Health
Cards ready and waiting.
What if
the person I want to help is in the hospital?
If you know someone
right now who is very ill or in the hospital,
you can use the Health Cards to chart their
behavior before and during the episode. You
can then use the Health Cards to prevent the
next episode. Also, it's important to remember
that the hospital is not a place to discuss
your relationship, the future or life in general.
People need time to adjust when they get home.
They need time to heal physically and emotionally
from the experience. You can read the sample
cards and determine if there's anything you
can do from those cards that will help the
situation. There is little in life more stressful
than having someone in a psychiatric ward,
but remember, people do get better. I got
better, my partner got better, and the people
I work with got better. Your job is to take
care of yourself and learn what you can do
in the future to minimize and hopefully help
prevent another hospitalization. The Health
Cards can help you do this.
A
Note From Julie
The Health Cards
offer more information on how friends and
family members can help. Bipolar Happens!
can give you insight into what a person with
bipolar disorder experiences on a daily basis.
My new book Loving Someone with Bipolar
Disorder: Helping and Understanding Your Partner
offers a treatment system especially created
for partners. (The book is also an excellent
tool for friends and family members.) The
book is available on Amazon.com. The newsletter
also offers extensive tips for friends and
family members.
If someone you love is struggling with
bipolar disorder, it helps if you can remind
yourself that people do get better. Life
can get back to normal. Give it time. Use
the Health Cards- explore alternative, comprehensive
treatments, help them stay on medications
and learn to live your own life if someone
doesn't respond to your desire to help.
They may come around one day. The results
are worth it. I promise.
Click on the icon below to read more on
how to talk to someone who is in a bipolar
disorder mood swing:
My new download
book, Tips for Talking with Health Care
Professionals is another great tool for
friends and family members. We all know how
difficult it is to talk with a doctor, social
worker, therapist or other health care professional
when we are ill. This book teaches clear strategies
to make all of your health care relationships
successful relationships. There is an excellent
section for friends and family members in
this new book. Please click
here to order the Tips book.
In April of 1994,
I went to court to commit my partner Ivan
to the psychiatric ward. He was soon diagnosed
with Bipolar I. One year later, I was diagnosed
with Bipolar II and went into a hospital day
program. If you are dealing with the psych
ward right now, I know what you are going
through. I know the extreme and I mean extreme
fear you feel when you see the person you
love become someone you don't know. And if
you are the one in the hospital, I know the
fear you feel because you are so sick. I also
know that people survive hospitalization.
In fact, they survive, get help and get their
lives back. Ivan and I did. And you can too.
I want to help people get through the trauma
of putting a loved one in the hospital.
I want to let you know it doesn't have to
be traumatic. It doesn't have to be horrifying
and scary. The secret is to know what to
expect. One of the main problems we face
when we check someone into the hospital
is that the staff doesn't tell us enough.
It would be so easy for them to give us
a handbook as to what to expect, but they
leave us in the dark. Why? Why are we forgotten?
I am here to tell you that there are certain
things you can expect when you check someone
into the psychiatric ward of a hospital.
It may seem that your loved one is different
from everyone else, but I assure you he
or she is not. There is a definite pattern
to hospitalization and when you know that
pattern it's not nearly so scary. Click
here to read a letter from Erin describing
the hospitalization of her partner Zach
and how my work helped her through the crisis.
This can be a terrible time, I know. But
it does end and things do get back to normal.
I know this from experience.
Below is an excerpt from my book Bipolar
Happens! regarding hospitalization.
Hospitals
I believe that if a large portion
of the people with bipolar disorder
have the same symptoms and the
same behaviors in the same situations,
that means that the issue is
bipolar disorder and not something
personal. Let me ask you something.
How many people with bipolar
disorder go into the hospital?
The answer is that a LOT of
people with bipolar disorder
go into the hospital. You know
that, but do you still get down
on yourself for needing a stay
in the hospital? Do you still
feel embarrassed? Do you feel
like a failure? Why? Because
society has taught you to feel
that way, that's why! When was
the last time you saw a clearly
marked psych ward in the hospital?
I never have. They treat us
as though something terrible
is behind those doors. We are
so ashamed that we are scared
to tell people where we have
been. We feel hopeless and helpless.
Well, I say it's time for a
change.
If you
have been in the hospital or
if you are in the hospital now,
good for you! It means you got
help for your illness. It means
you did not kill yourself. It
means there are people in your
life who love you and care about
you. It means you are a survivor.
Have
you been in the hospital a lot
of times? So what! You are here
now and you are a winner! You
got help and you are still trying.
Be proud! Be honest with people
when they ask where you have
been. Don't be ashamed to join
the thousands and thousands
of others who have been hospitalized
with bipolar disorder. This
takes such a huge burden off
your shoulders. It is hard enough
to have active bipolar disorder,
we certainly don't need to feel
ashamed about going to a hospital
for help. We need to feel proud
that we are taking care of ourselves.
So the next time someone asks
you why you had to take a few
weeks off work, you can say,
"I have an illness called
bipolar disorder. I am usually
fine, but sometimes I need extra
help. I went into the hospital
to get better. Would you like
to know more about bipolar disorder?
It would be great to get some
help from you when I need it."
Break the silence. Shatter the
shame. You have an illness that
often requires hospitalization.
What is wrong with that?
