Hi Julie,

Ok, I'm finally going to write about how you've helped me. I've been putting it off and putting it off, but I'm going to do it now. Part of it has been just the fact that things have been so great lately and totally back to normal (even better than normal, most of the time) that I just haven't wanted to go back and think much about when Zach was in the hospital. That was definitely one of the hardest times in my life and it would have been a lot worse if you hadn't been here. I'm just so sorry that it's taken me so long to write this and I hope it won't be too choppy and disorganized...

When I thought about how to put into words how much you helped me, it seems like an impossible task. The first thing that you did for us was just the fact that you were aware of Bipolar and knew the symptoms of a psychotic episode. For a week, I thought Zach was acting strange but I had no idea what was happening. I thought maybe I was messed up because I couldn't understand him. We were fighting so much and I was so miserable and confused. But you knew what was happening. As soon as you saw him, you recognized it. That was so crucial and it scares me to think about what could've happened if you hadn't seen him. He had already put his life in danger and it could've been a lot worse. His behavior would have escalated until something really tragic happened. I know this because no one else knew what was happening and we all would have just tried to ignore his behavior.

The second thing you did that I will forever be amazed at, is the fact that once you recognized it, you did not ignore it. You acted. I never would have approached a man I did not know who was psychotic. Even though I know that Zach is a gentle person, you did not and you still bravely came to him to help. Your courage to do this was amazing. It was noble and heroic. You saw someone in need and you did not turn your back. For this, you are truly my hero.

Once Zach was in the hospital, your advice and information was invaluable to me. The doctors and nurses and hospital staff were nice enough, but no one helped me to understand what was happening more than you did. The greatest thing about having you around was that you had been through it before. You told me everything that was going to happen before it did so I always felt prepared. I was not as overwhelmed as I would have definitely been without you. You were able to tell me what was happening to Zach as well as the procedures that were occurring at the hospital. It was incredibly comforting to know that Ivan had had such similar experiences and that this was not a uniquely scary event. It was also comforting to see Ivan and see how healthy he was after experiencing the same thing Zach was in. You helped me with advice on how to deal with doctors and nurses, how to assert myself and also with how to deal with Zach. How to not get upset after visits and stay focused on the positives. Throughout his entire hospitalization I felt prepared and clear about what was happening. You made me feel that way.

The last thing that I definitely wanted to mention, may have helped me the most. That is your sense of humor. I was so freaked out by everything that was going on that I was incredible tense and frazzled. After a visit with Zach that I cried about on my way home, I would tell you about it and you would laugh! At first, I didn't see anything funny about it, but after awhile I learned to laugh, too. I learned that it was ok to laugh and I didn't need to take it all so seriously. What Zach said to me was funny and I did write a lot of it down to look back on and laugh. It was fascinating. You helped me distance my emotions enough to see the humor and see the incredible complexity of the human brain. Bipolar is fascinating and the way people act is incredible. Being able to intellectualize things as well as laugh at them made it all so much more tolerable. It helped turn this event into a learning experience.

So, that's how you helped me get through Zach's hospitalization, in a nutshell. As far as the health cards go, to be honest, we haven't used them much. Zach has been very lucky and he reacted very well to the lithium. He hasn't been having the moods that we originally wrote about with the cards. Wait, I say that we haven't used them much, but that's not entirely true. When you first presented them to us, we went through and noted behaviors and came up with solutions and ideas to help. While we're not looking at the actual cards much, I think we still use the techniques a lot. We just have it sort of memorized and automatic now. When Zach shows symptoms of depression or anxiety or anything, I know not to get caught up in it and try to argue him out of it. And rather than talking about it, we'll often just go for a walk, or go to the gym. Zach's been pretty good about telling me what he needs when he needs it. And I'm getting better at listening and responding to those needs. So while we're not looking at the cards much anymore, I think we still very much use the techniques that we learned through them.

Well, I hope that this helps you a little bit. I wish I could say more and say it eloquently. I talked with Zach about using his story and he said that's fine. Good luck with it and I look forward to seeing it when it's up. Please let me know if there' anything else I can do for you!

Peace, Erin

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