BP Magazine Blog: Dysphoric Mania. I’ve got to get out of here! I hate my life!

Here is my latest blog from BP Magazine:

bp magazine bipolar disorder blog

The BP Magazine Blog is great!


If you’re new to bipolar disorder lingo- there are two kinds of mania: Euphoric (we all love it when it first starts!) and the dreaded dysphoric mania, also known as agitated mania.

I’m what’s known as an ultradian rapid cycler. I rarely go more than a few days without a mood swing and sometimes have four or five mood swings a day. It’s unpleasant.

But I’ve never had a lot of dysporic mania which is probably why I missed this off and on six week episode.

For weeks I said I was unhappy, miserable, bored, worn out and sick of my work. I kept saying, “I just want to get out of here. I want to leave Portland. I’ve got to get on a plane and leave this awful life!” My therapist said, “I’ve never seen you this bad Julie. You’re negative about everything. This isn’t you!” I said, “Yes, it is. You don’t understand. I’ve got to get out of here!”
A week ago I woke up and felt truly stable.  I simply got out of bed and did my thing without a struggle and that’s when it hit me.

It was dysphoric mania – sneaky and deadly.

I’m glad it’s over. And I’m glad I didn’t get on a plane like I have so many times in the past.


PS: The comments on this blog were amazing. Here is a link to check them out:

PSS: I love this magazine. I believe that everyone with the illnes and all who care about someone with bipolar disorder can get a lot of great info just in one magazine!  You can get a subscription from the website.

In fact. I will give away a subscription right now! For the first person who goes to the link above and leaves a comment on the post- let me know and I’ll send you a yearly subscription to BP Magazine!  (You can come back to this blog and leave a comment with your name and that  you want to win the contest!)

It’s now 11:00 PST on Monday July 4th.

21 comments to BP Magazine Blog: Dysphoric Mania. I’ve got to get out of here! I hate my life!

  • Susan in AK

    I’ve just come through three bizarre days where I didn’t know what was going on with me. I didn’t feel particularly depressed but something inside me absolutely could not work (I work weekends). I tried to go in today to make up lost time, and broke out in wild sobbing while driving there. I was so embarrassed and tried to hide my hysterical crying from other drivers. If someone had noticed and made fun of me I think I would have had no problem doing something stupid and causing an accident because even thinking about it made me feel rage. I still don’t know what the heck happened here, but upon reading your post I’m going to have to do more reading about dysphoric mania. Maybe that’s what’s going on? My sleep has been extremely erratic, so it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that I got myself into a manic state. Boy, learning about Bipolar is such a fun adventure (Haha!)

    THANK YOU for posting this. You may have explained a very strange and disturbing experience for me!!!!!!

  • Lori

    Hi Julie! I am not sure if you are still giving away a subscription, but I would LOVE to have one! I was just reading the bphope blog and commented that I am definitely suggesting it and your blog to my recently diagnosed loved one! He was telling me about some odd things he was experiencing regarding lighting and I believe it may be hallucinations. He even used that word! Thank you so much for being so open about this disease!

  • The contest winners are announced!

    Lori and Bobbie will recieve a year’s subscription to BP Magazine.


  • Jackie


    Thanks for talking about dysphoric mania. I didn’t know what it was. I’ve been seeing it for years off and on in my son, who is now 18, and because he was so angry and down (but full of energy) I thought it was a side of depression. I feel like now that I have a name for it that it will be easier to cope with now.

    Thanks again!

  • Hi Jackie,

    Thank you for your response. This is the entire reason I do my blog and write my books.

    Another word for dysphoric mania is mixed mania- this means a combination of agitated depression and mania- so you are correct in that there is depression in the mood swing.


  • Diane

    I finally have a name for how I’ve been feeling these past three weeks. I would be a little cryey over the simplest things, then feel okay. Then cyey. Then ok. It really is hard going through those feelings because you feel like you’re on a merry-go-round. Insert a little grouchiness and boredom and it’s really fun!Thank you Julie for all you do for all of us, and thanks foe your articles in BP.I love to read them!

  • TJ

    It is good to hear so I can be better prepared for tis. When I have a high stress level , tis familiar. I still want to “get otta here” I said it this am.

  • I definity go through disphoric mania. I hate my job and have no motivation. I want to move out and just run back to my mom. I just experienced this recently and the past two days i’ve been fine. I really think it was triggered by my hormones. I get symptonmatic when I’m pmsing. But thank God its over

  • Joanne

    Hi Julie
    Agitated mania is one of the the things i suffer from most. It is one of the most painful parts for me of having bipolar and also one of the most difficult to recognise. I feel so uncomfortable with everything. I think the reason i feel like i need to escape from everything is because i need to escape from whats going on inside me. I have really struggled to find techniques to help with this. The one i have found is that i need to move from place to place (have now managed to minimise this to staying in my own county). I have a list of jobs that my friends need done, usually outside ones. I am able to do these jobs or as much of them as i can manage while they are at work so i dont have to deal with people and the jobs are extra ones that most people dont have time to do and are not overly important. The outcome of this is i can help satisfy the agitation with movement and physical labour and help calm it down a bit. The other plus side is my friends are delighted to have these jobs done or even part done and when i come out of it i have some sense of achievement and it makes me feel good to help people. My friends are also aware that if they come home and i’m not chatty to just leave me to it and will come round when i am able. Some of the jobs include weeding, painting the shed, mowing the grass etc. I find a lot of these kind of jobs are theraputic and can help get rid of some of the rage etc. Its amazing how much weeding you can do in a rage!
    If anyone else has techniques for dealing with this mood swing i would love to read about them as this is the one i find the hardest. I also find this the hardest to recognise but am starting to notice that when i feel rage or agitation with everything and cant stay in one place this is what it is. The hardest part is starting something but i say to myself over and over “just try it and it will help you to feel better and if nothing else it will help a friend”

  • Alina

    Hi Julie,

    Thank you for your nice post. I have recently wrote you a letter that talked exactly about this. Today I went to sleep at 3 a.m. and woke up at 8 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep. It all came from a crash I had in the winter time that I still can’t recuperate from. Sometimes I find that telling a friend how you feel and smiling is the best way to deal with this.

  • wow finially a place to find out answers to whats really going on with me

  • Susan

    I always say I’ve got gypsy blood running through my veins, because I want to move anywhere every month. I get so agitaed with myself its feels like my skin needs to come off, or that feeling when there is a bird on your shoulder and you want it to leave so you shrug it off, you know that flick you do with your shoulder?? haha that’s how I feel sometimes, what ever is clining to me needs to get of.. And I also think I’m a rapid cycler, because my mood changes also atleast four times a day, it’s very confusing espesially for my family.. I never knew before my diagnoses that, that was also part of all the crazyness.

    Sue from the zoo

  • annette de freitas

    Julie thanks for all your care and concern.
    How can I get your magazine?

  • up again tonite .it is 3 in the morning and i just want to sleep this is crazy .i use to be able to sleep solid thru the night but now with this new medicine i wake up in the middle of the night terrorized by memories of past experiences that still want to haunt me.

  • christine

    this is a first for me, (very scary, way out of my comfort zone) until now i would never participate in blogs. i know i am an altra rapid cycler, every day, at times it’s so tiring i just want to leave the plant. in my opiniion i wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for julie coming forward with her honesty about this cursed disease. i have often said i would glady exchange a body part to be rid of it. thankfully i have enough rational thinking left to not enact it when i am in an extreme agitated state, came close a few times though. over the years i have learned, mostly accepted and managed this disease with the knownledge that i have gotten from julie. julie, i thank you from the core of my being for your courage and honesty to share pubicly your life with this cursed disease.
    come play with me in the mercurial Zone where i live

  • Karen

    First of all, thank you Julie for all you do. You have been a life saver for all of us fellow sufferers (families included). Secondly, thanks to all you bloggers who share your personal stories – your ups and downs. I appreciate all that everyone contributes. It is quite amazing to me to read about other people who act the same way I act and know that I am not alone. I was diagnosed four years ago at the age of 49. I can now see that my father was also bipolar as was his mother. Explains a lot of things about my childhood and life up until now. Thanks again Julie and all my fellow bloggers. Appreciate the good times!

  • Jennifer

    Would love to know how others cope with the mixed moods. My only remedy so far is the same as a previous poster-movement. I vacuum and clean house when agitated-it’s amazing how much I can get done and the end result helps, too. More coping options would be great, though.

  • Gia

    I have moved over 130 times in 43 years, but it was looking for a better life for me and my children or just myself as I have never had a support system. I have come to the conclusion that I really want out of this sick society, as the whole world has gone insane and they all think the answer are in these little pills that alter our thinking process and are killing us. The reason we are all depressed and agitated is because no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that all is o.k. and a little pill will cure it, somewhere deep down inside we know better. Nothing except God Almighty or more money or companions who are loving, stable and hopeful will change anything or the way we think. There are natural products that are very helpful with no side effects and I take those and have gotten rid of those really “down” feelings, but my life still sucks. If I had a million dollars, I know for a fact it would definitely make my days brighter and my life more enjoyable, why do you think the world is full of crooks? But, nothing in a pill can make up for a lack of a relationship with God or a crappy family or poverty.

  • Santya Parker

    Hi Julie,

    I am interested in this BP magazine. My son is schizoaffective and went through so much with him. I can’t stop my heart from wanting to rip right out of my chest. If I could trade my life to save his I would gladly do so.  I am devastated and feeling like I am in trouble emotionally here as well. I don’t know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other any more. Anything about bipolar and schizoaffective I am reading. Please let me how to get it or buy it. It would probably help me a lot. Thank you in advance, Julie. Hugs to all.

  • MacMurphy


    Thanks for all the generous work you do Julie. This topic has been really helpful. I got my BP diagnosis at 43 last year after an an adult life that went through OCD, alcoholism, depression and nervous breakdowns first. My doc finally hit the spot last year that its BP. But given my addictive and racing mind he never got below that so i had to find the detail on your site and a few other online sources. It’s definitely BP2 with a lot of mixed mood. And with dysphoric mania as a new addition I feel closer to understanding it after 2 horrible episodes this year that were manic and agitated. Keep up the great work. I can’t find a BP support group yet in Ireland. Most are for depression so I get better supports online.

  • Beckie

    I believe I am currently struggling through a mixed episode, not yet completely diagnosed (only one visit with the psychologist, since coming to terms with something I have been hiding for more than 30 yrs…not very convincingly either) I have hurt a LOT of people over the years, children, family, friends..etc. I have explosive rage outbursts, I can go through numerous moods in one day and even mixed moods where I experience both Rage and Depression. My elated moods are few and far between but I have had them. I am a non working RN so I do have some sensibility that has prevented me from getting into addictions (except cigarettes) and into the riskier behaviors, however I have been extremely verbally and occasionally physically abusive. I have often said I need to run away and when I was in my 20’s, I would often run away either to a friend’s house, a family members house or even sleeping in my car for days at a time because I couldn’t stand being with myself. I have always said I can’t stand being around ME, I wish I could get away from myself but unfortunately I am stuck. I now have a perfect description of myself. I am a pressure cooker with the little weight on top and all it takes is the removal of that weight and the steam inside me is released but usually in an explosion and anyone who happens to be around at that moment becomes a victim of my rage outburst. I am so glad that they feel these dysphoric mania episodes are small, not noticeable and part of Hypomania. You can ask anyone who knows me, there is nothing “small” about it!!

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